This is my first post here. A warm hello to this wonderful community.
At New Year, my mum was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. It was a total shock - both her and my dad have had the luck of incredibly good health up till now; lived independent and active lives which defied their numerical age (78 and 86 respectively).
My mum has always been passionate about food, is an excellent and adventurous cook, and the family have enjoyed for decades her beautifully crafted meals. Bringing us together over food was her way of showing love, and it has always been an integral part of our family life and their broader social life.
Now my mum has a double stent (bile duct and duodenum). The latter means she can only eat little portions of liquid or soft food. To her amazing credit (I am in awe!) she has accepted this new normal with positivity. But she is not strong enough to cook any more herself.
As is perhaps quite common with a man of his generation, my dad (now the primary caregiver) is struggling to adapt both emotionally and practically. For their entire marriage (over 50 years) it has been my mum in charge of shopping, cooking etc. I am doing everything I can to help (batch cooking etc). But I live in London and they are in the West Country, so day-to-day/meal-to-meal management is proving really challenging. I'm obviously concerned my mum needs specific food prep and careful balance of her nutritional intake. But my dad also needs good and nourishing meals to keep him going.
Does this group have any ideas for how to manage this? Or services that exist? My dad is fiercely intelligent and reluctant to admit any sort of vulnerability/ask for help (another quality of his generation I think) And is stubbornly resisting making changes in case they mean that he's somehow failed or let my mum down.
Hi TeamHaven and a very warm welcome to the online community which I hope you'll find is both an informative and supportive place to be.
I’m Anne, one of the Community Champions here on the Online Community and, although I don't have the experience you're looking for, I noticed that your post hadn't had any replies yet. Responding to you will 'bump' it back to the top of the discussion list again.
"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"
Hi TeamHaven and welcome from me too.
I haven’t been in your situation, but we have got some experience in our own family around the issues of food and meals. My father in law who is 79 had major cancer surgery and is carer for my mum in law who suffers from dementia. My fil used to be a chef and so was accustomed to doing all the cooking, but now is a lot less able. My mil never did any cooking and now with her dementia it is impossible for her to do any sort of meals-she cannot even make a cup of coffee.
We were able to find a little home business locally where the lady makes home cooked nutritious meals in her kitchen and delivers them locally in batches for the week. She puts her weekly meal plan online via her own page and my fil is able to pick what they would like for a particular day. They tend to be simple, wholesome things which my in laws like-roast dinners on a Sunday, shepherds pie, sausage and mash etc. Plenty veg with the meals, and desserts like apple pie and custard. I appreciate with your mum’s issues she needs very specific things, but if you can find a little business like this they may be able to cater for individual particular needs, liquidise food etc.
My in laws now get these 3 times a week-the meals come in microwaveable containers which can be heated up or popped in the freezer. It gives him a break from cooking every day and is very reasonably priced. I’m just wondering if there might be something like this where your parents live? Perhaps you could do a search for there location and see if there’s anything similar? My in laws are in a small village and we only found out about this service by seeing it advertised locally on FB. Perhaps you could check local FB pages in their area and ask the question?
Sarah xx
