Mum refusing help but I think we are nearing the end

Hi LL82, i know your not a stranger to the community but welcome to the forum, I am really sorry to hear about your mum and know from experience how emotional it is for everyone. My mum had lung cancer, given 4 months when diagnosed having been fine a week earlier. Mum was told any benefit from treatment  would not outweigh the physical cost so was not offered it. Like your mum my mum though unable to leave the house was able to hold on to some independence and was her usual self mentally, and asked me to not allow any medical intervention to lengthen her life if she was unable to speak for herself, broke my heart but i promised. Two weeks before we lost mum her condition started deteriorating quickly, off her food though found ice cream soothing, sleeping more and more, harder to communicate clearly and in lots of pain which thankfully she was ok taking pain relief. Mum deteriorated day by bay stopped eating, hardly ever awake and when she was it was usually because of the pain and  talking  for only10 minutes a day was normal, pain became so bad, mum agreed to let nurses in as usual pain relief was not working. This was 2 days before mum passed and she was only awake once more for a few minutes, which i knew at that moment would be the last time i would ever talk to my mum. After loosing mum i questioned whether i should have pushed for treatment and ignored mums wishes but realised, as you say, it was not my decision to make, please take care.

Eddie

Hi LL82 

I'm sorry to read of your mum's current health issues and her reluctance to seek help. Does she have a good relationship with her GP? Would she accept a home visit? It is important to to make it clear to her that what you are proposing is help in making her comfortable and pain free. She may not be thinking clearly as she is so unwell. The GP will refer to the district nurses, who will organise pain relief and support the family. I think it would be good for your dad to get that in place. Would your dad feel comfortable speaking to mum's GP about the problems with mum's reluctance to seek help?  There are always ways round these things in times like this. Can I suggest that you ring the Macmillan helpline and get some advice and support, this is the link to contact https://www.macmillan.org.uk/about-us/contact-us

I know that you want to support your mum's wishes but I think there is a need for foresight and readiness in making her comfortable and pain free. Best regards to you all.

A x

Hey, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. My Mum recently passed and there were a few times when she didn't want any medical intervention so I can relate to what you're talking about and how hard it is. 

We had a specialist nurse from a hospice who was referred to us. She always reiterated that she wasn't just there for Mum, she was was there for the family too. I would often talk to the nurse for longer than Mum did! So perhaps that is a way around your mum's wishes? Having a medical professional involved for me and my Dad in the same situation was invaluable to us. Just to ask questions, ask what to do in certain situations, reassure your dad that he is doing everything he can (even when it feels so alien to not do anything), ask if there is any 'non-medical' support out there for you, ask about certain symptoms. 

Perhaps reiterate that the support is for you and your dad as you want to know what to do for the best. That's what I had to do with Mum and she was alot more comfortable with that.

I'm sending so much love and strength. Xx