I just need to "say" this somehow. Not sure I'm hoping to achieve anything by it, just to release the thoughts from my head.
My husband was told he was unlikely to last till October ... but he's still with us - albeit a broken shell of himself, entirely bedbound and difficult to communicate with.
He didn't want to be here this long, because he knew it would mean our university age children delayed their start of term, as they have, not liking to go back while Dad's dying. He really didn't want to impact their lives.
I've kept pushing myself on, to manage looking after him at home, thinking, just another week, just a few more days...
I'm still doing it on 6th October, but inside I'm falling apart now.
There are days when it looks like he might die in the next few hours, and days when it looks like he might go on as he is till Christmas.
I'd like counselling, but I definitely don't want to talk about how I feel with adult children around (listening in), whether to a counsellor or friends, and I can't leave the house anymore, for fear of him needing my help urgently. So that will have to wait, along with everything else, until he dies.
Sitting in the garden, for a minute or two, helps me to breathe and go on for another half an hour.
Its scary, its sad, its overwhelming - I don't know how to keep putting one foot in front of the other - but I know I have to.
Hi motherofboys
oh I hear you! We are also just wishing this was over. These tumours are too cruel for words. I appreciate we are dealing with an entirely different set of issues but the kids and I are left with a stranger these days rather than the person we knew. G has blown every timescale out the water. We were told at the start of August to have all our last conversations as he had days...and here we are. I don't think I could face doing "last Christmas" for the fourth time....
I also understand where you are coming from about counselling. Like you I feel its something for "after" and that's fine. Have you tried journalling? I find writing it all out is a huge help. No one need ever read what you write but by expressing yourself on paper you are getting it out there. I've chronicled our journey within my journals and may in time pull it together into a proper book to help others through this minefield but that's the author in me getting ahead of myself. If I do ever get it written up properly then it would be sold to raise funds for charity. It's not a tale to be profited from.
Fresh air definitely helps and I can feel the walls closing in a bit as the weather around here worsens but even a quick 5 minutes outside is good for the soul
Please also remember you can vent on here. We're here for you. We get it. We'll all get through this in our own way in our own time. It's amazing the strength and resilience we find when we have no other choice. You're doing a great job here. This is tough but so are you.
Sending you a huge virtual hug and lots of positive energy. Hang in there.
love n hugs
Wee Me xx
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
