Why do I feel guilty

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Hello all, My wife of 45 years was diagnosed with SCLC in feb 22 that had spread to, both lungs, breast and lymphs, she started treatment and had chemo, radiotherapy and immunotherapy since June last year, and we thought it was going well but we have had recent scans that now show the immuno is not working and it has now spread to the brain and growing in the lungs again. they have now said that they are stopping treatment and have said 2-3 months,

My problem is that i just wish it would end and and she would pass away in her sleep so she would not be suffering and in pain it is so hard to see the person that I have spent my life with going downhill, why is it so wrong to wish her dead sooner rther than later, when I still love her so much, I have adhd and ocd and I know this will play on my mind when it does happen and it is playing on my mind already that I have thought about being on my own and doing things.

I go to Maggies support group which helps but where can i get deep emotional/spiritual support and help.

Many thanks for just reading this

Les

Sas1961 over 1 year ago

Hi Les I think anyone in your position would feel the same my husband of 35 years been together 39 is now terminally ill and I am beside myself with thoughts how he will suffer and I can't stop the Horror thoughts I have none of us know how we will feel nearing the end of our loveones life but please don't ever feel guilty your love for her will help you through this im sure as I hope mine will too

Sandra

Muchy over 1 year ago

Hi Les,

I can totally understand where you are coming from. My husband was diagnosed with CUP (cancer of unknown primary) in November 21 after having been poorly since the June.. We told that if he had treatment, he may have 6 months. He underwent chemo and immunotherapy. Last June he was so poorly from the immunotherapy that he was given weeks. I started to plan my life after he had gone. My husband responds exceptionally well to Dexamethasone so was prescribed a low dose to make him comfortable. Within 48 hours he was like his old self. After several stable months then cancer spreading in February, another round of chemo, he is now off treatment. He is prone to falls and cracked some ribs in April which went to pneumonia. He came back from that. Three weeks ago he had a chronic kidney infection which hospitalised him. He has come back from that. Having seen him go so far downhill last June I absolutely dread going through that again. I wish that one of the illnesses could have taken him. It is okay to feel how we do and not unusual. Please don't feel guilty. None of us want to see pain and suffering. Do you have a local Hospice involved yet. They will have a chaplain. I speak with my works chaplain for pastoral support and it certainly helps me.

Karen

angles over 1 year ago in reply to Muchy

Hi Karen,

Many thanks for the words of support, she has been taken into our local hospice last week, and we have the chaplin there who visits us and helps,

They have increased her meds and started her on others as well to try and help, when at home she was on 50mg zomorph morning and evening and 15-20 oromorph spread throughout the day. they have put her on 80mg zomorph twice a day and 37.5 oromprph 4/5 times a day so plenty of pain relief but just drowsy and uncoherrent a lot of the time.

We know what the outcome will be it's just seeing her like this and the waiting that is so hard to take,

Many thanks to all

Les

Muchy over 1 year ago in reply to angles

Sending supportive hugs.

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