Coping with the terminal cancer diagnosis of partner and short time left not knowing how things will deteriorate and when

Your post could have been written by me. My partner (age 64) was diagnosed with incurable liver cancer in February. It was a bolt from the blue, she had been so fit and well all her life. We have no children and we suddenly found ourselves in this strange new world of hospitals, scans, appointments and stress. After spending a few weeks in hospital, we agreed for her to come home and be cared for at home by me. It was so, so hard. I am quite fit and well at 62 but I struggled badly. I had some very dark thoughts during that time, I prayed for it to be over, and beat myself up for realising I was wishing what life she had left to be over. I have spoken to many since then who all confess to having these feelings, which made me feel better. I just felt it was so unfair we were both having to go through this, and why me, why us, was constantly in my head. During that time I did what practical things I could, sorted out wills, finances etc and being pro active gave me a sense of taking back control to some degree. Make a list of all the things you need to do and work on what you can tackle now, I think it will help you as it did me. My partner went into hospice care when it became impossible for her to be cared for at home, and this took a lot of pressure off, allowing us to have quality time instead of stress and tiredness. She lost her battle 2 days ago. Like you, I had no clue what to do to arrange anything (undertakers etc) and I am thankful that I had researched this in advance, writing myself a list of what do do, who to call, etc. it definitely helped to think about this in advance, because even though you know they are going to die, when it happens is still a shock and the easier you can make it for yourself the better. A terminal diagnosis of a loved one leaves you suspended between 2 worlds. You have, to some extent, lost the person as they were and the life you had, but they are still here so you cannot grieve or heal in any way. You miss them while they are still here. It is strange and unsettling and extremely hard. Sending you lots of love, anytime you want to chat I will be around xxx

This is the situation I find myself in. your post has been a great comfort to read.

I am so glad it has been of use to you. Please do let me know if I can help in any way or even if you just need to offload x

Thank you .

Hi, so sorry you're having to go through this. I was in a similar situation 2 months ago - my partner was sent home with very little time. He's still around, although he's deteriorating. We're not married either. Everyone's journey is different but there are my reflections, for what they're worth... Some of these are hard-nosed practical, but if you don't deal with them you'll find it harder to deal with the emotional stuff, which of course is what you need to do.

- Make sure you are getting support from the local palliative care team. I assume you have, by now. But use them, push for attention, don't hold back.

- Get some emotional support for yourself. Ring the Macmiillan helpline, go to your local Maggie's centre, get some counselling - whatever. You are important and if you're not ok enough you can't support him. And don't worry about those thoughts and feelings that seem awful - that's just normal, we all have them.

- Get him to write a will. Actually you can both write one at the same time - we kept ours very simple. Solicitors can fast-track. Seriously, it will save you a LOT of trouble later down the line.

- Get someone who knows what they're doing to help him write an Advance Care Plan. It's not easy, but it will help a lot when the time comes. After my partner did his, a lot of those worries going round in my head disappeared.

- Get advice now about things like house ownership, car ownership and perhaps his business. These things are especially important as you're not married. My partner owned the car - I realised that after his death I wouldn't be able to use it, so he formally transferred ownership to me.

Focus on what matters most to you and don't let other peoples' stuff get in the way. We've had to learn a lot, very fast. It's horrible, and you will feel lonely, but you are stronger than you think.

I just wanted to add to this that if your "estate" is fairly straightforward, (ours were very simple) you dont need a solicitor for a will, the ones you can get from WH Smith or Amazon are totally legal, as long as they are properly signed and witnessed, they are every bit as legal as if dont by a solicitor, and if you need any more reassurance, I got that info from a solicitor! Just might save the hassle and expense of solicitors at a time when you have so much other stuff to deal with. Lovingheart you are so right, you have to learn a lot very fast, its hell on earth. x

Hello, I’m so sad to read your post. I wondered how you and your husband are doing. My husband is 35 and was given days to a week to live about 10 days ago. It feels like we’re in purgatory. Wishing you both peace xx

H KarlaH thanks for your message . Sadly my partner died in July. I can only send you my very best wishes . It’s very tough and you must  be kind to yourself too, take any support offered. You will go through many emotions,  I’m still going through the range. Other posts on here are much better written than I can do. I hope there’s some comfort in knowing you are not the only one in this terrible situation. You will find a way through xx

Its hell, it really is. Sending you so much love and strength, I am here if you need a chat xx

So helpful to see others experiences. My partner has battled with incurable cancer for over 3 years. All treatment has ceased now as we are in supportive care at home. Thank goodness for District nurses and local hospice. The pain came on quickly and the hospice sent the prescription to the GPS 30 mins before they closed so we were able to get meds.
How awful is it to watch all this happening, the deterioration is devastating .

i have felt guilty about planning for funeral and what to do when the end comes , you almost feel that by thinking about it you are willing it to happen. So it’s really helped me seeing this thread. 
Just been up to give morphine dose. District nurse have talked about putting line in. Just got to take each day as it comes and really got to think about looking after me in all this.