Anticipatory Grief for Dad with incurable cancer

Hi Caz. I'm so sorry that your are going through this horrible time. I'm afraid I don't have any answers from you but only empathy as I am in a very similar  position. My Mum has incurable cancer and I'm not handling it at all well as it is only me and her dealing with it. It sounds as though your Dad is a similar character to my Mum - strong and dealing with it pretty well. It's the rest of us that are falling apart. Sending you a hug :) 

Hi.

You have put into words my thoughts and feelings. It's my brother with the diagnosis but I am supporting him (he's no partner or kids) with my Mum. I feel like my heart is breaking although I'm being very practical and am almost always positive and upbeat when I'm with him. The ONE 'good' thing is that we don't tend to waste time if we can help it and get on with stuff quickly. I/we really try to value and even enjoy the good days, or hours; mentally shelving knowledge of the prognosis. 

He's having Chemo but it's palliative rather than curative. He has times when he's so, so I'll for 4 or 5 days and it's torture to watch, so unimaginable how he's coping. But then these past few days he's been great, almost his old self again so we grab that.

x

I’m so sorry. My dad is also in the same position, told months, not years, but I think end of life could be near, but he is soldiering on. Although yesterday he said he felt weaker and I can’t bear to see him lose weight as he has. And my mum’s heart is also breaking. My heart goes out to you. Unless you are going through this, as a family member, no-one knows the feeling. The ups and downs. The sadness and worry for your dad. The not wanting to leave my parents’ home at all, but life having to also carry on. Try to look after yourself and cry when you need to. And hug and hold your dad close as much as possible. Make sure you have the district and palliative nurses available to call when you might need to. And maybe start to put affairs in order, even think about the funeral and what you’ll need to organise, so it will be easier for the family when your dad passes. My sister and I are trying to do that so we won’t have such a huge load to deal with when dad leaves us. Most of all, know it is the same for so many of us. It’s frightening and horrible. Sending you big hugs. xxxx

Hi Caz I am going through the exact same thing with my mum just now. She had chemo and unfortunately it was not successful and there is no further treatments. We started this journey back in February and she was given a diagnosis in April. It's all happening too fast for me and I can honestly say I have never felt anything like this in my life. She has been given upto 12 months, although given the fact it has spread to her bowel and very close to her liver I suspect we may be talking sooner than thought. 

I am all over the place with my emotions, I have had to go off sick from work. Like you I have been having nightmares every night. The doctors prescribed as and when sleeping tablets but I took one 4 hours ago and here I am typing away to you now. I had therapy today and it has conformed I am suffering with antisipatory  grief  which has been some kind of comfort to know I was not loosing the plot. Its so hard it really is. My mum is great at the moment going about her daily tasks etc and here's me falling to bits it just does not make sense at all. I wish I could snap out of it, I am trying but it's hard xx

Hi CazS84 I reread your post a few times and know exactly how you are feeling. When I heard my wife's diagnosis I couldn't sleep, eat and stop crying. I'd wake up every morning with a morbid dread, my stomach felt nauseous, then a release of emotions, as she was in hospital at the time. I felt like I was in a state of shock. This went on for weeks and most of the time I was on my own at home. I'd be thinking about selling up, funeral, telling family and so on. After about 3 months the symptoms seem to get better, but little things would set me off crying.

Now 8 months later I watched Morning Live last week and they started talking about Anticipatory Grief. That's me and you and probably many others that I've read through on this forum.

There seems no real help anywhere for us, only venting our anger on here. But reading about others has shown me I'm not alone In the nightmare. I have found trying to get out and doing something you enjoy for a while helps as does having a good friend who'll listen to you.

Our whole life has changed forever and it's affected my family badly.

Xx

This period when you know you will lose a loved one is incredibly hard. I went through it this year. Just be there for your loved one when they need you, hug them, talk to them, say everything you want to say to them (even in a letter if it helps, I did this, dad loved it), get fresh air and light exercise every day, cry when you need to, come on here and write and talk, get as much support and advice from your GP, palliative nurses and district nurses as you can and tell them your fears and worries. Plan with your loved one where they want to be when they die and explore alternatives that may be available. Dad wanted to be at home but in the end the only option was the hospice in his case, with his symptoms and help required. It’s a shocking time. I’ll never forget going through it with dad. Never. Hugs to anyone going through it. 

Hi. This is how I feel. My dad has been diagnosed with non curable prostate cancer. They won't operate because of his age (80) and we are waiting for his appointment to see if they will give him Radiotherapy at all. He is fading away in front of my eyes though. He looks pale, frail and has lost so much weight. He is also really tired and sleeping all the time. I suffer with depression and I am finding it hard to cope at the moment. I'm due back at work next week and I have no idea how I'm going to do it. I just want to spend as much time with him as possible and help as much as I can.