Support and advice

Hi Bonjour

so sorry to hear about your partner and what you are both going through.

My husband was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour in Sept 2020. Over the past 28 months there have been some pretty dark days when his mood has been low and to be honest, nasty. He has said some cruel and cutting things over that period but I have learned on the whole to let them wash over me. It's not the real him that's saying these things - it's the broken version.

Easier said than done but don't take things to heart. When folk are hurting and scared and frightened it does tend to be the people they care most about that they lash out at.

This is a safe and supportive space so please reach out anytime. There's always someone around to listen who gets it, someone to hold your hand and to offer that virtual hug when its needed. You're not alone. 

It’s always good to talk so please remember that you can also call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week Clicking here to see what is available. This service provides lots of cancer information, emotional support, benefit and financial guidance or just a listening ear.

You might also want to explore Carers only forum - Macmillan Online Community and/ or Liver cancer forum - Macmillan Online Community.

There's also a lot of support material on the main website. I looked up the link for you Supporting someone | Macmillan Cancer Support

I hope this has helped a little.

For now I'm also sending you a huge virtual hug. Stay strong. Breathe.

love n hugs

Wee Me xx

Hi Bonjour, I felt I just had to add my thoughts alongside Wee Me. My husband has multiple myeloma which when diagnosed was extremely advanced. He has had two years of very intensive and intrusive treatment which has proven very difficult to cope with, for both of us. There have been times when he has been aggressive, negative, tearful, argumentative, even having thoughts of suicide, but I really believe that it’s only the fear and lack of control that made him like this. You might not be able to do the same as we have, but one thing I do believe helps is creating distractions away from what is really happening and not letting thoughts about the cancer take over every minute of your days (which initially for us it did). Eventually my husband’s spirits lifted and he became gentler in his approach to me. One of the things he often said to me in the early months of diagnosis, whilst crying, was how sorry he was to bring this stress into my life…. poor man, as if it was his fault…. he worried (and still does) about my life without him. Like you, I haven’t found this easy and have often felt unloved and unwanted, but I have lent on my friends and family who have been terrific and with their help we have got to the stage we are at. Just as a last thought, my husband did eventually agree to accept help from our GP who prescribed him some medication, it doesn’t actually change anything with the cancer but it made him calmer and less tearful and helps him to cope, which in turn has helped me. I do hope ‘things’ become easier for you, as everyone will say it’s about you as well as your husband. Big hugs, Marion xx

HI Cup of tea . Thanks for your advice . Its great to hear i am not alone . My partner has thrown me out yet again . He said i put my family before him and how dare i when he is dying and i can see them anytime. I am wary to go back because as soon as i walk in its just a triade of abuse im at my wits end . I want to be there for him but my own mental state is in shreds . just dont know which way to turn 

Such a terrible situation for both of you.  Have you thought about arranging to meet at a neutral location - a cafe maybe?  I think we all tend to behave a little better when out in public!  Maybe take a little time first to research local support options (for both of you),  think over what you want to say and don't forget to include your own needs eg "I will support you in any way I can but won't be treated badly".  If you have somewhere else you can stay, there is less pressure on returning without a clear plan on how to move forward. 

As Cuppatea has said, some of this may well come from your partner feeling frightened and guilty although you've said that this is not the first time you've been thrown out so maybe it isn't just about the diagnosis but about a pattern of behaviour.  If that's the case then you need to make it clear that there are limits to your tolerance and crossing those limits will have consequences - maybe you leaving (even for a day or two) will have more impact than being thrown out? 

Are you accessing support via Macmillan website?  Does  your partner make similar use of the services available here?  They may want to consider the counselling option, if not right now then maybe at a future date?  Have you checked out what support is available for either or both of you locally?  I have found a local cancer charity which offers all sorts of support, from an informal chat group (open to carers/family not just cancer patients), to a choir, to exercise classes.  You may be equally lucky or you may be near a Maggies Centre/similar.  I do think talking helps - whether you're the patient or affected by a loved one's diagnosis.  My family, although supportive, don't like to talk about my situation (advanced bowel cancer) so having the chance to express my feelings with others in a similar situation is a Godsend.

I'm sending all good wishes to you both.  It's a very tough road.

Helen