From Zero to Nil in 3 Weeks

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A little over 4 weeks ago my wife was being treated for IBS, however the symptoms did not respond to treatment and further tests were carried out, this was the start of the drive into what seems to be, a hell of anguish pain and anger.

just this week following tests she has been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, with metastasis in liver and lung, she has declined chemo as a type 1 diabetic the process would have caused immensely higher doses and monitoring of blood sugar levels, with the possibility of elongated hospital stays, oncologist gives an estimated 6 months or with chemotherapy a 50% chance if up to 12 months, not a great choice.

She has decided to spend her remaining time surrounded by family and to capture memories, photo sessions booked, family holiday with 10 booked at large house in Devon, and a return visit to where we got engaged in Scotland

My questions are probably like many partners of terminal cancer sufferers

When will stop feeling rage against something I can not either defeat or challenge
how do you continuously agree to go along with their wishes to decline treatment when all you want is for them to be with you and they could be with you longer maybe
At what stage do you get to before the sheer injustice of what is happening to them is accepted and you move on

I know a lot of self pity at the moment but I do want to be strong and I need to understand things

JuiceStool over 3 years ago

Hello Sothern Jessie,

Firstly thank you for reaching out and sharing what you and your family are facing! Its brave to reach out, and in my experience necessary to express yourself and talk to people who can understand but are outside of your situation.

Although my reason for joining this forum was different with my Dad, you have asked some clear and fair questions which I definitely had myself and will give my view on:

That’s personal, but I would say rage comes and goes throughout. For me rage was immediate when I found out Dad had Cancer, caring for him enabled me to ignore that, the terminal diagnosis re-ignited it but only when he wasn’t in earshot to hear it, then I found peace, said goodbye, and faced my rage after he left.
You have to talk, you likely have to argue and cry but eventually you will do and accept what’s right for them, it wont be easy, it wont be nice, but somewhere along the way you will realise they are getting to own their life, and in the process looking after you too.
Honestly, never. Well I imagine anyway, I cared for Dad, Lost him and today try to share my experience with people facing similar life changing challenges. I am better, I am stronger, but still regularly question the injustice of his loss, how unfair it is and how he was unjustly taken away.

But I sleep well some nights knowing we put that all aside in his final weeks, we lived, we laughed, we loved and for that I’m forever thankful. We made memories, and I hope you do the same.

Sending all my love and here if you need to talk.

Juicestool (aka. Lucie) x

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