Planning a good death

Hello Weather5

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your journey so far with your husband, I am truly sorry to read that your husband has terminal secondary liver cancer.  I understand that the prognosis of 6-8 months was given in May, this must be very difficult for both of you to have that information sneaking around you minds and popping up when least wanted, forgive me if I am wrong, this is something that happens to me every so often, and I imagine that it may be the same for you. 

As you know, a prognosis, is only ever a best guess and I am pleased to read that you haven't given up hope and aim for your husband keeping well as long as possible, is he undergoing any treatment at all?

There is a section on this Macmillan Website HERE which may offer you some support and give some thoughts for the question that you have posed here. 

I think, from my experience, it is important to keep talking, I have found that thoughts and plans that were made with my husband when he was first diagnosed have already changed, and continue to change depending on the day.   Like you, we do not give up hope, we bless everyday, and we look forward to positives.  

Are you involved with the local hospice at this time?  They are a great source of support and information, even before the time has come to ready for passing and they may be able to think of things that you have not, they will do this with you and your husband so as to highlight what is dear to you both, may be worth investigating if you have not already. 

I send love, strength and healing and a reminder to also think of your needs at this time.. 

Lowe'

Hi Weather5,

Firstly, I applaud the pair of you for planning "a good death". I truly hope and pray that, when his time comes, he passes peacefully and pain free, in the company of those he loves.

In addition to "that" day, you really should consider what may happen the day after the day you're planning for.

The following is from a post I made about 4 years ago (before my wife, Margaret, passed). If we hadn't done all this, my life would have resembled the insides of a zookeepers bucket.

Please bear in mind that I'm in Australia, so some of the terminology I used may not be correct or appropriate for where you live.

In Australia, if we hadn't taken these steps, I would not have had access to anything that was registered in Margaret's name - bank accounts, council rates, utilities, insurances, etc. - until probate was declared and I had provided many, many, many certified copies of Death Certificates.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Although it can seem cruel or heartless, the best thing to do is to get everything, and I mean EVERYTHING changed over or written down before your loved one passes.

My wife and I did this very early on and it has been a godsend for several reasons;

1. I now have a far better picture of our overall financial position (my wife was the accountant and the brains in our outfit)
2. I've built a calendar of who has to be paid and when (eliminates surprises and help you plan better)
3. It's helped me prepare for when the worst comes to the worst.

We simply sat down and discussed how ill-prepared I would be if she dropped off the perch tomorrow - and I would have been.

With EVERY company she dealt with, I was listed as an authorised person to act on the account.

DONT FORGET TO DO THIS FIRST.

IF THIS ISN'T DONE, NONE OF THE BELOW MATTERS.

We listed;

• all her bank accounts (BSB, account number, login ID and password)
• all her credit cards (login ID, PIN, password and which bank/account it was linked to)
• all house/contents/life insurance policies (insurer, policy number, login ID/password)
• all superannuation accounts (insurer, account number, login ID/password, attached life insurance)
• all car registration details (comprehensive insurer, comprehensive policy number, CTP policy number)
• all utility (gas/water/electricity) details (provider, account number, online ID/password, bank account for regular withdrawals)
• all email accounts (username and password, email server details)
• all online accounts (URL, username and password)
• update both Wills
• with all insurances and superannuation, we made certain I was named as her beneficiary.

All of her email accounts are now set up on one of my systems, so we don't miss emails any more.

We've had a secondary card issued in my name for most of her credit cards (very handy to be able to prove that "you" are "you".

Of course, doing all this meant I finally got to see all her credit card balances which, after seeing the bank balances, made a lot of sense (none of which was of the common variety). ;-) 

She says, in her defence, that they were all lovely shoes.

I said, in defence of logic, that you have not changed your name to Millicent, let alone Millipede.

Prepare - and do it as a task for both of you. Make the OH think, remember and be part of the "game". Keep them involved in their own lives.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

You're doing the right thing thinking ahead, even if "ahead" doesn't include him, but try and make him part of the process - for your mutual peace of mind.

Peace,
Ewen :-)

Hi 

I’ve just read your amazing plan and I want to say that I’m sorry you had to do this but understand exactly why and it’s similar to our story.

Like your wife I have always been the “accountant “ in our marriage, and often used to joke that if I “fell off my perch” suddenly my husband would have absolutely no idea about anything to do with finances etc. I wrote everything down that I felt he would need to know, but knew he would still need help as he’s probably one of the worlds biggest technophobes. So I also wrote a letter for our daughter with bank details etc so she could help him.

Sadly in June this year he was diagnosed with inoperable and incurable lung cancer, he’s maintained his sense of humour and one of the first things he said on our way home from the hospital was “ Well I won’t be needing the letter and instructions now!!!”.

But I agree totally with you and although it’s so hard to talk about “the end” it’s important. 
I wish you peace and happiness and lovely memories.

Grasan

Hello

So sad to read this as I know just how your feeling!

My husband was also diagnosed in May 1st kidney then lungs and sadly the last was his liver !  I was very lucky as with the help of Mary Ann Hospice at home 24 hour care I was able to keep a promise and that was not to end his days in hospital! I'm so thankful to this team as I never left his side.

I list my love on 5th November 2022

We chatted about the future, he even made  very special wishes inside like what clothes he wanted to wear,music and people who he wanted to thank like his hairdresser bless him ( he said to say thank you for making a silk purse out of a sours ear lol) typical of my love ! and so much more very helpful info.

There was even a letter ! ( which very strangely and at a time i have know idea how he knew this ! It says "once all the fun and fireworks have stopped open this my love in a peaceful place, a nice glass of wine( as you do ) and know I'm always close) He passed away on 5th November 

There was so much more inside which is so very hard now but I also know I'm thankful for this help as my heart breaks. 

Everything you are doing is right ! Just. keep talking and enjoying the best way possible your life together as these days in the end come back to you and give warmth .

Thinking of you.