Struggling today

Totally agree, feelings like that coming in waves, I don't know if it will be my last with my husband but its certainly possible that will be the case. We are still a bit in denial I think that helps really. If i feel overwhelmed i cry and i do that a lot. but there are sometimes when I don't and I can laugh and appreciate what we have...it helps that we have become closer since the diagnosis...but I'm grieving for a lost future...I don't find sharing with friends so helpful, they don't really get what its like, so good to have venting space here and people who understand xxx

Hi Tiffintop

I totally agree about the sharing with friends, they all want to help but with the best will in the world they don’t get it. Yesterday was a much better day thankfully. It really does help being able to get support on here so thank you for taking time to reply x 

Hi Jillybean74

Glad you had a better day yesterday. I goes like that doesn't it... yesterday not so good for me ended up having a panic attack when reading some stuff about chemotherapy and poor response with my husbands type of cancer. Don't want him to go through awful reactions for no benefit but there is a small hope it will help give him a little longer with us.. but at what cost...hoping for better day today...trying to live in the moment and distract myself with something else...happy for you to share anytime :-) take care xx

I hope you’re having a better day today. It’s a minefield reading about the treatments and side effects and trying to decide if it’s worth putting our loved ones through it isn’t it - but then on the other hand we want to hang on to them for as long as we can. My hubby is due  to have 2nd dose of chemo on Friday and so far, apart from being nauseous, losing his appetite and tiredness  he’s coped well with it. I’m praying this continues because he has already said that if it makes him too ill he won’t carry in with it (which I fully support but also dread happening) We have so many things to look forward to this year: grandsons 1st birthday, holiday in our happy place in June, hubby’s 60th, 20th wedding anniversary, family wedding in August. As things stand we have no idea if we’ll be able to do any or all of these things but for now we’re trying to carry on as if we will do all of them.

Look after yourself too x x

HI Jillybean74 I feel the same. Every family occasion or milestone that passes is tinged with so much sadness that it will be the last as a family of 4. My husband was given a terminal diagnosis last Sept and a prognosis of 12-15 months. I feel like we've ticked off milestone moments ever since - our silver wedding anniversary (2 days before the terminal diagnosis was confirmed), his birthday (3 days after his craniotomy), my son's birthday, Christmas, New Year, my daughter's 21st last Saturday then Valentine's Day the day after. I find myself escaping into a quiet corner to cry.  It's tearing me apart. My own birthday is the end of June and I'm not convinced he's going to last that long. It's hard and its cruel but I'm trying to hold onto the good memories.

Hang in there. 

Big hugs

Wee Me  xx

Hi Jillybean74

That's really inspiring.

I have been struggling to think of anything we can look forward to in the future but you are right, planning as if it will happen and having some goals to work towards good things will be something else to focus on. At the moment our goals are to go to the pub and play music with friends! Such simple things! I do hope the chemotherapy goes well for your husband, it sounds like he is a strong person and very determined. Let's hope it will give you time to do & celebrate all those wonderful things together. I am planning to do some self care today with an on line exercise class and relaxation, then a walk with a friend and her dog. Small steps....

xxx

Hi Wee Mee

I totally get this and find myself often crying not always in the corner. My daughter is 22, she lives away now but I know  if she gets married or has kids, my husband won't see that or know them. So painful to think about... all those milestones are reminders... it's so hard... I can sometimes catch myself before i spiral into tears, take some deep breaths and look at what is before me, he is still there and able to make me a cup of tea (most of the time anyway)... But if that doesn't work, I let the tears flow, phone a friend, i'm trying to learn poems off by heart  as distraction, cuddle the cat etc We all doing amazingly despite difficult circumstances. These past 4 months have been the hardest of my life. Hanging onto hope, facing the uncertain future, living through it and carrying on when that the last thing I feel like doing. 

It's a heavy load xxx

HI Tiffintop  I hear you. Its getting the balance between making the most of the time that's left and not being too scared to look to the future. Think my cats are getting fed up with tearful cuddles mind you! I find journaling very helpful for getting my thoughts in order.

Writing is my escape from the "real" world on a good day as I'm an indie author. It's nice to have a happier if fictitious place to escape to.

Hang in there

Big hugs

Wee Me  xx

Hi Tiffintop

Our daughters wedding should’ve taken place last year (after two years of planning) but obviously it was cancelled. It’s now booked for August next year so, short of a miracle happening, my husband will not be there and that’s heartbreaking. My hubby is a step parent but he’s been a Dad to my daughter since she was six and she’s thirty now. He was supposed to be doing the Father of the bride speech . That’s going to be a tough day. 
I had a self care day yesterday too. Cleaned the car inside and out, walk in the park and a two hour bath and pamper. Trying to remember that I need to look after myself too if I’m going to be able to look after my hubby properly. 
Hope yours gave you a lift x x 

Hi Wee Mee

Thankyou for hearing...and yes you're absolutely right xx