My husband is currently in hospital due to not being able to eat. Hes on a drip and later will have his 3rd ascites drain in 3 weeks. Hes deteriorated so fast and I'm struggling so much to cope with the overwhelming feelings I'm having. I'm verging on complete panic and I'm so, so scared. He was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma in march this year, just prior to lockdown. He recovered well initially from whipples surgery but then had some setbacks along the way. Surgeons assured us he was cancer free but there had been evidence of cancer in 3 out of 10 lymph nodes. The planned 6 months of chemo was 'sold' to him as a mop up of any stray cells that may be lingering. Just over half way through we discovered the cancer was back . On Monday of this week we were told it had spread to his liver and his lungs and was offered palliative chemo starting next week. The drastic change in him over the past few weeks is terrifying. I feel that I've lost him in some ways already and I'm so very very sad. How on earth do people find the strength ? How on earth am I going to live without the man who once gave me so much hope for the future ? How can I stop my thoughts from keeping me awake at night and creeping into my head every time I look at him ? I'm sorry to be so negative. I'm just really, really scared .
