Terminal Diagnosis

My mother was in the group of people who really did not want to know her prognosis nor talk about it. In fact, for much of her battle with cancer she was pretty much in denial about the eventual outcome which we were told would eventually be terminal from day one. Only when she was in the last few weeks of her life did I think she accepted what was happening and that was simply due to her loss of physical functions. 

Although I would have loved to talk to my mother about what was happening and going to happen, I realize now that even if I had at the time, it still would have been mostly for my benefit and not hers. I think it is natural to want to reach out to our loved ones and make sure they are prepared for what is to come but I think it is also natural for them to want to live in the moment and not face reality. Now a year and a half past, I think it was the right decision to let my mother live the way she wanted to and not how I wanted her to.

I too hadn't been exposed to death and had all my grandparents at the time of my mother's death. Since then, I have lost a close friend and one of my grandparents. I feel like I am very familiar with it now. Everyone processes grief differently. For me, I think I mourned for my mother more when she was still alive than after her death. I had two and a half years of mourning and knowing that she was going to leave me way too young and miss out on the lives of my children who are still fairly young. Immediately after she was gone, I mostly felt relief that this ordeal was over and she was no longer suffering from her cancer. Since that time, I still think of her everyday and occasionally those thoughts are sad but they have mellowed with time. But all in all, I mourned for her more before she died. 

I would just like to add that I wouldn't worry so much on dealing with everything that needs to be done after someone dies. There isn't an instruction manual that I have ever seen but it was pretty much straight forward and we did things as they became apparent to us or to those my mother was involved with. Certificates were mailed off, paperwork signed and such. I thought it would be a lot harder than it was.

My husband doesn't want to know his prognosis either although he knows that I know. I respect that and love that he's making plans way beyond the time we have. The alternative would be planning his funeral and a future that he wasn't in. I understand your concern about not being prepared for his passing but I'm sure it will hit me like a truck anyway. I was advised not to mourn until you have to. Guess there isn't a right way to cope but I hope you find yours xx