Definition
it means to follow the same routine over and over again whilst getting worse results each time. "To go round in circles" is to repeat things without ever achieving anything. If the circles are always getting smaller (ever-decreasing) things get worse each time.
When I was first diagnosed with a incurable and in all cases terminal blood cancer along with dialysis dependant kidney failure I knew survival was going to bring with it a high level of compromise and a completely different way of life. Now 20 months on and the treatment is no longer working and I am in the final stages of the disease I’ve come to realise how small my life has become. Just functioning on a daily basis takes a gargantuan effort and I’ve come to agree with my various doctors that maybe I should do something better with my time than attending the endless hospital appointments and kidney dialysis. So after many tears I’ve decided to have my dialysis line removed in the next few weeks and use the free time to be at home with my husband. My anaemia is such that it has sapped me of the energy to carry out ordinary everyday tasks which I find painful and I would rather spend my time getting a transfusion just to allow me to function. Frankly I’m tired of being a box that must be ticked and sometimes I’m left feeling that some of the things that are recommended to me are a arse covering exercise and not necessarily to benefit me directly. I don’t sit in judgement of individual doctors in this regard it’s just the way the system works but sometimes you have to detached yourself from the protocols and make your own decisions. I’ve recently finished reading being mortal by doctor atul gawande and this has helped guide me in making the right choices for me. The fact that death is natural consequence of life is explored in detail in this book and has removed many of psychological barriers for me and enabled me to face up to things.
I’m so lucky that both my husband and I are on the same page and so I don’t have the added burden of pressure to continue with futile treatment to alleviate his distress. It has compounded my belief that more support of a holistic nature is needed to support patients as they set out on their journey with cancer when a cure is never on the table.
