So it was me and my husbands wedding anniversary just gone. It's with really mixed emotions i write this and I just wanted to find a place to share how I felt. We are 2 years approaching remission, I am incredibly grateful to be able to say that, I feel so proud to know the difficult journey we have been on and are still on, but it leaves it's scars. I'm sad that it happened to us, I remember the fear, the vunerability, the anxiety, the tears, the anger. It's like a box, that you try and store away but it gets disturbed, the emotions get rattled. I'm so proud of my husband but I'm also feeling incredibly sad. I wish it hadn't happened to us. I'm trying to lean into the feelings hoping they will pass and by accepting there is a great journey behind them.
Hi again Kat55 …….. happy anniversary….. we just hit 45 years in April past…… 25 years of this years has included my incurable cancer journey
An unwanted cancer journey in the family brings a mural of experiences, emotions, challenges…… and a collection of ‘stuff’
I often talk about the concept that when we first get our cancer diagnosis or a cancer diagnosis comes into the family we are all get given an invisible ruck-sack put on our backs.
Regardless of being a patient or a care-giver the cancer journey contains many experiences like tests, treatments, clinics, blood tests, scans, side effects, emotions, fears, uncertainty……. and during this time we unknowingly and continually throw ‘stuff’ into the ruck-sack on our back…… and the stuff builds up.
It’s only when treatment is finished and we look to try and ‘live’ life we realise that it’s not that straight forward.
This is due to the weight of the ‘stuff’ we have collected in the ruck-sack pulling us down…. stuff like pent-up anxiety and stress, the ‘what if’s’, the difficulty in seeing a way forward with life, the disappointments around how some of our family and friends supported us, the silly things people said during and after treatment….. the list goes on.
There comes a time when we hit ‘the wall’ and this is the point when this ruck-sack needs to be taken off out backs and over time cleaned out.
It’s not an instant fix but a process…. but the healing process can only start when we are willing to do it and to achieve this we often need help and posting in this group may be one of many steps you need to take…….
One thing I did have to deal with was survivors guilt as I lost some very good friends to different cancers over my years and "why did I survive and they did not".......... but I got some great help through our local Maggie's Centre as they have support for all the family.
As I said, as a family we have been on my incurable cancer journey for over 25 years…. We have had a lot of bumps in the road….. with significant life threatening episodes but our focus has always been that my cancer would not define us…… we define how we live our lives.
The future is sitting in front of you - think about driving a car. The big windscreen shows the future, the past is in the little mirrors and is getting smaller and more fuzzy as we move forward..... if you concentrate on the past you crash……. we need to strive to look in the right direction ((hugs))
Always around to chat ((hugs))
