I was actually born with jaw bone cancer didn't get noticed till I was 3 or 4 I was on a test chemo meaning it was still getting researched at the time I was on chemo for 3-5 years told it was benign and full discharged at 12 I'm 22 now and I just get flashes of memories of all the kids I knew and In the middle of the night the alarms going off and them being taken away when I was younger I was fed stories that they got better lived lives but now I know that isn't true I look at me one of the only ones that did get out and I've done nothing with my life I feel ungrateful for my second chance I often wonder what if it were me that died and one of them survived would they have done better than me I feel like I don't deserve to be the one that survived I wasted my life that was already a miracle why was it me and not one of them
Hi Rabbid and I see it’s your first post so welcome to the community.
Sorry to read about your story….. I can only imagine the experiences you had at such a young age.
I have been on my journey with 2 types of very rare Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (one incurable) for 3 years long than you have been alive….. we have to navigate our personal rollercoaster as best as we can.
A lot of people have said they were so sorry that I had such a hard time over my many years if treatment but I often say that I am content to have went through this in the hone that none of my family including my 4 granddaughters won’t have to.
A number your back my wife and I sat in our lounge with 2 very good friends and their wives…… both had cancer….. we raised a glass of good single malt and agreed that the last man (and their wife) standing had to live their life to the full as a celebration of those who had gone before….. and that what I am doing.
I have had to deal with survivors guilt but I got some great support at our local Maggie's Centre as they were able to help me unpick this and put it firmly to bed.
I was diagnosed in 1999 age 44 when our 2 daughters were 14 and 18…… but we went on to see our daughters graduate, get married, set up very successful businesses and provide us with 4 beautiful granddaughters….. I turn 70 at the end of this year and I am now 9 years 8 months since my last treatment.
My aim is to live a great life and continue to look forward to what else life has in store for us to enjoy…….. life is a gift…… don’t waste it.
At 22 your life is only just starting 
NOBODY has got themselves together at that age (even at 30, 40, 50!) and if they pretend they have it's a fib!
It sounds like you have a great compassion for those other children. Brave as well facing this trauma. Grateful for your miracle life. They are wonderful qualities to bring to society and we definitely need more people to! Having a 'good' life isn't only about achievements.
I have heard of something called 'survivors guilt' so other people must feel the same way. It's just a horrendous trauma for kids to suffer and pass away. At the time you were a small child AND in a war to stay alive, there was nothing at all you could have done to help them, even all the adults couldn't help them. I hope you can grieve for them in a way that allows you to move on, best of luck
