Cancer scare again

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This March I celebrated 20 years since my eye cancer diagnosis. It was 2 days before my 24th birthday, my boyfriend dumped me and ran for the hills, my work colleagues couldn’t even look at me, let alone talk to me; it was a horrible time. In 2008, despite lots of attempts to control my cancer, my eye had to be removed. I have been living in fear of metastatic spread ever since.

Two weeks ago I found something different in my breast and saw my GP who did an urgent referral to the Royal Marsden Hospital - where I worked for 12 years and left a couple of years ago.

I have struggled to stay calm for the last two weeks, have slept really poorly, panic attacks, tears and anger. Yesterday was my appointment at the RMH and it scared me a little when they had to do repeat mammograms from different angles and then ultrasound, but in the end found nothing suspicious.

This morning I couldn’t get out of bed, I was so tired. I had to call in sick and didn’t even know what to say or how to explain how I feel. I left the RMH because of chronic fatigue syndrome and yesterday and today have felt like when I had bad crashes.

I can’t explain how I feel, I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, but I still feel in the verge of panic and ‘fight or flight’ even though I know nothing’s wrong.

I feel like I should be happy and relaxed now but I’m not.

Thank you for listening.

Thehighlander over 1 year ago

Hi Maeen and welcome to this corner of the community.

So great that this is not a second cancer but I can totally understand the trauma of having to be checked out, this will obviously transport you back to the dark days of the past, it is only natural.

I was diagnosed way back in 1999 with a rare incurable type of blood cancer and regardless what we threw at it kept coming back so my longest partial remission was about 9 months before I had to go back in treatment….. after 14 years my condition became very aggressive so the treatments had to become just as aggressive…… my last treatment was Oct 2015 and remission was eventually confirmed in Sep 2016.

I have not had the visible life changing treatment you have had, my changes and challenges are invisible and none one can see what the challenges look like…….. but as best as I can my family and I aim to define how we live life rather than letting my incurable cancer define us…… yes it can wake-up but our plan is deal with that if and when it does….. but in the meantime we are not wasting any of our freedom.

These bumps n the road need to be navigated and the best way is to get some help….. if you don’t you lose and the ‘what if’s?’ win.

Some suggestions:

Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing.

The Macmillan Support Line is open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00 or via Webchat and Email too. This service provide practical information, emotional support or just a listening ear.

Macmillan have also teamed up with Bupa to offer up to 6 free counselling sessions for people struggling emotionally because they are living with cancer. Clicking on the link will give you more information about this.

You may also find it helpful to make a cuppa and have a look at this great paper After Treatment Finishes - Then What? by Dr Peter Harvey as it highlights the post treatment milestones.

Always around to chat stuff through or just to listen.

Mike (Thehighlander)

It always seems impossible until its done - Nelson Mandela

My cancer story

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