Hi Peanut2910, sorry to hear you have hit a wall on your journey. The battle between the ears is a massive challenge and one that takes time and some perseverance to control.
You simply do need to rearrange your appointment, if you take a step away from your emotional and I have to say illogical thoughts you will see it’s the best move for both you and actually these friends you have mentioned.
I am now just over 22 years into my Lymphoma journey, after a shed load of treatment I did eventually get into remission from a rare type of Skin NHL.
I was actually told back in 1999 it was treatable but incurable and I would never see remission but back in September 2016 I was told the word remission - It took a long time to sink in but yes I was happy, very happy.
Although I did have multiple relapses over those first 17 years and not once did I think twice about attending most likely more than 100 appointments, yes some were such a drudge as we had to do the 9 hr round trip down to Glasgow (often in the snow) to see one of my teams but I owed this to my family, my friends and most certainly to myself.
At that same time I was told I was in remission three very good friends develop their type of cancer and yes the three of them all died within a few years.
I was eventually struck down with survivors guilt, they had only survived a few years and me, I had been on my journey for 17 years by then - it was unfair especially as one friend, she had left her 3 and 2 year old boys behind.
The survivors guilt only kicked in when I was attending a 7 week post cancer support group course at our local Maggie’s Centre. I eventually sat with the support worker a few times and we slowly unpacked my invisible rucksack of stuff that we all insist on carrying around with us.
We emptied the ‘stuff’ on the floor and sifted through it all, yes talked through some of the ‘stuff‘ and slowly binned a lot.
Then we picked up the survivors guilt. We agreed that it was grief, I had lost good friends and I felt guilty, guilty for living.
We eventually agreed that I did not control the cycle of life. I did not have control over life or death, we agreed that blood cancer is very unpredictable and not everyone gets through and indeed I fully understood this.
But we did agree that we all had some measure of control over how we lived this life. This triggered a memory that just when my three friends were diagnosed we all meet for a coffee.
We all agreed that we could not control how this would all turn out but we did agree that we would all live as best as we can and also die a good death with no regrets.
We also agreed that the last person standing had to commit to live a full and happy life in memory of those who had passed on.
Not a perfect life...... but one full of positiveness and always looking for the good that is out there - even in these challenging times. I often lift a Whisk to those friends and those who I meet in hospital and on the Community who are no longer with us.
Talking one on one can indeed help so you may want to consider the Macmillan Support Line on 0808 808 00 00 as you will get a lot of support or just a listening ear.
Do also check out for a local Maggie’s Centre as these folks are amazing. During lockdown a lot of their services moved onto online video support. But I see our local Maggie’s (Inverness) are starting to open up for one on one support.
Oh I have said a lot and not much at all. Happy to talk more.
