I am lucky. The NHS spotted something odd with one of my kidneys when I had a scan for a minor stomach problem in late November. In January they jumped into action and put me through a lot of scans and told me I had a 4cm lesion on my right kidney. They told me it would need to be dealt with, but at that time no-one had used the C word in conversation with me. It wasn't until the scans were completed and I attended the renal cancer department at the Royal Free in London that I was actually told I probably had kidney cancer, but the good news was that they didn't think it had spread.
I had an operation in February and they were unable to do a partial nephrectomy, so I am now down one kidney. The good news is that I was told that they were able to remove all the cancer - indeed, that was why they had decided to remove the whole kidney - and later testing suggested that the cancer was non-aggressive and so there was a very low likelihood that it would return. The bad news was that something in my body reacted badly to the operation, and my 2-night visit to University College Hospital turned into 10 days, with half of them in intensive care, suffering at one point hallucinations and completely unwarranted anger to the NHS staff (I apologised profusely when I came out of that state and they said that they had actually been a bit amused at this 'nice guy' taking against them so badly).
So I'm lucky - my cancer was diagnosed, and removed, before I even knew I had it. The operation went OK despite the recovery, and although the at-home recuperation was longer and tougher than I expected, I'm basically physically back to normal now and only the occasional twinge at my scar reminds me of the op.
But this is what's odd - the wonderful speed with which the NHS dealt with this (in the middle of a global pandemic!) and the vague messaging early in the diagnostics meant that I don't think I ever really came to terms with having cancer. The bad experience in hospital again dominated my thoughts at that time and during my recovery, and it's only now that I'm fully back on my feet that my brain is coming to terms with the fact that I had a very serious illness and a major operation to deal with it.
I'm not quite sure why I'm posting here other than to share my story - I've appreciated what other people have written here, some stories are close to mine, others are very different. But I know that while I'm physically over my cancer (for now at least and hopefully for good), the mental scars are deeper and I'm still coming to terms with what I've gone through. Now that we are coming out of lockdown and I can start living a more normal life again, I am talking to friends about what I've been through and it almost feels like it happened to another person - most of them knew about it at the time, but obviously they could not visit or offer support in person. But in my private, darker moments I am still shocked by what happened to me, given I didn't see it coming at all, and I'm still struggling to process it.
Hatfre wrote a similar post a month ago and I share many of their emotions. I am lucky. I haven't quite got my mind to deal with that yet. Apologies for the long posting but it's good to get it out. I have a great husband who listens to everything but I imagine he's getting a bit bored of it by now... Thanks to everyone who has shared their story on here.
Hi N1associate abd welcome to this little corner of the community.
Don’t apologise about the length of your post, just doing this is good therapy and will have helped you a lot. A cancer diagnosis, treatment and post treatment recovery brings so many emotions, some we can deal with but others are just that harder.
The fact that you found this group showed that you are in the process if working this out. We all get given an invisible rucksack when we are given a cancer diagnosis and we processed to fill it up with ALL the stuff that we collect on the journey.... emotions, hurts, regrets, mental scars.... the why me thoughts.
We need to unpack the rucksack from time to time abd try to work through the stuff.
You may find it helpful to make a cuppa and have a look at this great paper After Treatment Finishes - Then What? by Dr Peter Harvey as it highlights the post treatment milestones.
Talking to people face to face can be very helpful but during these strange times it’s not that available but do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area has opened up.
Maggie’s Centre are amazing places to get group and one on one support. Again a lot of these services had to move onto online video support groups but our local Maggie’s (Inverness) is starting to provide one on one support.
Once you have had a look at the paper do come back with your initial thoughts ((hugs))
