hi my lovely friends I’ve had cancer twice and made a fully recovery both times because of treatments but 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with copd I had to have scans and was told I had a spot on my upper left lung it’s to small to do tests on apparently but my scans show it’s growing and changing in shape I think I get my 3rd of 4th scan this September and one min I want my test done so I know for sure if it is cancer or not and the next min I don’t want to know but I know in my heart of hearts I want to know. I’ve got no symptoms of cancer but I keep thinking can it still be cancer or not it’s on my mind all the time now I pretend it’s not but it is I feel as if I’m going around the bend not knowing take good care everyone love Yvonne xx
Hi again Yvonne Yvonne17 it’s a while since you have posted.
I totally ‘get’ the what if’s and wanting to know one way or another. It’s the not knowing isn’t it 
....... but it is all about dealing with the battles we have between our ears.
I am coming up to 6 years post my last treatment (hit my name for my story) and 6 years from when a node/spot on my right lung was found in a checkup CT.
The area was so small a biopsy could not be safely done and over the years the node/spot has changed slightly but still to small and not safe to biopsy....... 6 years on my Respiratory Consultant is happy that it’s not something to worry about “...as Mike, you have enough other things to concern you”
My Respiratory Consultant is actually a good family friend so I am able to talk more freely about this and this helps me understand where I position this ‘what if?’ on the list of other medical ‘what if’s’ that are still lurking in my body.
The main reason I see my Consultant friend is that I live with Asbestosis and so far it is behaving itself ok-ish - as well as asbestos can.
I was diagnosed with my rare skin Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in 1999.... Incurable, treatable but would never be in remission..... zoom forward to Sep 2016 I was told remission for the first time in 17 years.... getting the smile...
But it still can come back at any time and if it does we have used up all the available treatments......
I am also very very high up the list for developing skin cancer due to the 16 years of skin treatments I have had and I also have A-Fib, an irregular heart rhythm that is triggered by infections. This is a chemo ‘left over’ from my final half hour chemo.... I go through over 750hrs of chemo and have a problem with the last 30mins.
I am telling you about these things to help you get what I ‘should’ be concerning myself about, the things that should keep me awake at night but they don’t.
Early on in my cancer journey I quickly realised that I can not control tomorrow or the next day or next year...... brought into stark focus for us all looking at what turned the world upside down this time last year...
We have to live in the moment, in the day. My wise Specialist Cancer Nurse told me in the early days “Mike there are two days in every week you can’t worry about - Yesterday & Tomorrow. You can’t change what happened yesterday and can’t control what will happen tomorrow so live for today, tomorrow will take care of itself” and I found her words to be so true
When you arrive on the cancer path we see two signs placed the length of the path.
One sign points to Pessimism, a mindset that always sees the worst will happen, where stress and worry controls every aspect of your life and as a result the journey is made extremely hard and draining.
The other sign points to Optimism, a mindset that is full of hopefulness, determination, confidence about the future and appreciates that I have not actually been told their us an issue to actually worry about. It’s important to continually seek to choose the optimistic direction as this simple thing can define how you walk the cancer journey.
Very happy to talk more if it helps ((hugs))
Good morning Yvonne.... I hope that there was no one around when you were having a ‘moment’ at the kitchen table 
It’s good that you found my post helpful and yes, this is a perspective thing and how we choose to position ourselves on the path of life.
If it was not for volunteering on the Community my medical ‘what if’s’ would all sit collecting dust on a very high shelf and only come down and be cleaned off when required as a medical professional has prompted me to do it...... that’s where my wife and I have chosen to position ourselves on the path of life.
We don’t feel any pressure living with the various medical issues that are lurking, we are more pressured on how and when we are going to be able to see our three granddaughters who live in Surrey again soon...... 7 months is a long time.
I often say that my wife and I are living the dream.... in late December 2013 my condition was presenting in such a way that I was given a prognosis of a few years if the plan did not work....... I am well past my sell by date and in a better health condition than I was 10 years ago.
I have seen three more granddaughters born, celebrated my 60th and 65th birthday.... get my pension in November 
, celebrated 40 years married and had some great holidays..... and we are making plans for once we have some more freedom.
To be totally honest and this will sound very simplistic, some would even say naive..... The one thing we learned very early on in my 22+ years living and being treated for my cancer was that we could throw ALL the worry and stress we could collect in the world at each situation and all this effort would actually make no difference what’s so ever to what we were told and what may happen in the future..... but would have a big effect on how we would mentally deal with it ‘if’ it comes along...... and the ‘what if’s’ are for tomorrow not today anyway 
The ‘cancer anxiety train’ is sitting in the station....... but we can only get on it if we go get a ticket....... don’t get a ticket.
