Hi!
my name is Yoli, I’m 26 years old and I had ovarian cancer. I still can’t believe it. I can’t believe that happened. Everything was so fast that sometimes I think that I’m still waiting for surgery to happen. I choose to have a second surgery so they can take my lymph nodes instead of going through chemo and sometimes thinking about that makes me feel very guilty. I’m very thankful that I’m cancer free. But after that I couldn’t stop feeling guilty, it made me feel like I chose the easy path, the memories of the women that were in so much pain and with a more advanced cancer keep coming to my head many times and it frightens me, and even that makes me feel guilty. I started to experience many episodes of anxiety and now I know better how to handle it but many times I get upset with myself for letting it happen. I feel like a very different person. What happened changed me. I miss myself sometimes, my relationships changed so much, I feel like I’m a lot less likeable, I feel like I need to push myself to be like I was before but to be honest I even have a different perspective about life now, this might sound like self pity but many times I can’t stop thinking that my friends were there for me because I was the girl that had the cancer (I know that is probably a lie) but I feel like I forgot how to relate to people, I think I have become insecure. Even when I just want to finish with this chapter of my life and “move on” I can’t, I can’t let it go, everything is still there and very fresh. Anyone else feel like this? I’m not sad. But I do feel triggered many times and that I don’t really know how to handle it. I think writing all this in a group helps a lot, sorry that it’s long but if you read it thank you.
Much love, Yoli
Hi Yoli and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through and at such a young age as well, that must have been awful for you.
You have no need at all to feel guilty about anything, that's how each of us are so different and there are differences in our journeys but on the whole most of us travel the same path to a degree.
Its ok to feel like you are as you probably did what a lot of us do and put your head down to get on with what you knew was in front of you and then when its all done it hits you like a sledgehammer and you wonder whats going on and that's ok as well. I can also understand where your thinking about life has changed and again I don't think that you are alone in this as i believe that we are forever changed when Cancer invades our lives and we are never the same person again. That can b ok as well, I find my tolerance levels have decreased now and I cant deal with conflict and give short shift to nonsense but I think I'm still a ok person despite that and I'm sure you are as well.
I wonder if you have ever read an article by Dr Peter Harvey entitled "After the treatment finishes, what then". It is an excellent article if you can get this on the Internet and I hope that it will offer you some re-assurance that what you are feeling is ok and does happen for others as well so you are not alone.
Don't give yourself such a hard time, you have been through the mill and are allowed to think and feel as you do as a result of that.xx
gail
This is a link to the great paper my friend Gail highlighted - After Treatment Finishes - Then What? by Dr Peter Harvey
