Hi to anyone out there who can help me, or advice anything, it has been 2 half years away from chemo, and I dont know or cant accept who I am now, from what I was before, I'll break it down,
Back in 2016 26 December, i decided to take my son on holiday to ireland to spend xmas and new year, as I missed my family back home, I had not been feeling great, my breathing was not good, I found myself getting out of breath more, anyhow I put it down to giving up smoking that September,
Anyhow I arrived in dublin and my breathing got worse, but I kept telling my family it's because I gave up smoking, as I thought, so on new years eve at 9pm I decided to go into hospital for a check up, they said my bloods or lack of, dropped to 2 pint 5 , they didnt understand why I was able to talk to them, so they rushed to get blood units into me, I thought I would be grand and home the nest day,
I never left that hospital until November 2017
I I was too I'll to go home, also throughout the cancer I couldn't or didnt have time to even think of it or accept it, or dwell on it, each day was something new,
Icu for three weeks with sepsis
Anyhow they kept telling me when I get home it will hit me what I had been through,
Me thinking I'd be grand,
Yes it hit me have to depend on others, not able to carry out the simplest of things,
My mobility is not good, got bowel and bladder problems, extreme fatigue has set it, I'm left with a laid open fistula I had full hysterectomy.
I feel I'm not living just existing, I have low days just wanting to give up,
I hate having to use a walking cain but the benefits from having one is people have been nice helping me, ( friendly investment the cain
I lost all interest in things I use to like I cant concentrate,
Left with nerve damage also,
I would like to know will i ever find me again or learn to like or accept this is me now
Hi , you have been through the mill and in reality - would or could the old you survive this journey?...... based on my 21 year treatment journey the ‘me’ now bares no resemblance to the ‘old me’.
Its interesting that friends and family tell me that I have become more chilled.... I worked in Further Education with all the stress and pressure that brought but I moved away from this as there was ‘more to life’
I lost interest in some of the old things that robbed me of my family time and looked for and discovered new things that were less time consuming but much more enjoyable.
You may have looked at this great paper and if you have seen it, look through it more slowly as it does set some questions that we need to answer or deal with.
My ‘left overs’ after treatment did take time to resolve and some will just have to say with me forever but are these significantly more important than having life itself?
It is all about positioning ourselves on a line with Hope/Life on one side and frustration/sadness on the other. Where are you on this line? and what do you need to do to move in the right direction.
Sorry for the questions but for me it’s the best way to unpack and move on ((hugs))
