The love of my life is gone......... but certainly will never be forgotten
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Ray, my best friend, soul mate life long partner, lover has gone. He had non-small cell lung cancer diagnosed in June 2008. What a dreadful day that was. We were absolutely devastated as you would understand. He fought so hard to beat this evil illness but nature had other ideas and he died on 1st March 2009. Myself and two of our three children (all grown up) were with him at the end. I wanted it to be just me and him but how can you deny your children that right? (How selfish of me to even contemplate such a thing). On that day I found myself thinking that I did not want to go on without him. It is now 16 weeks since he went and just as I thought I was coming to terms with things I find myself crying all the time (again). I know I will never forget him but I just want to be able to talk to him and hold him in my arms. He was in too much pain prior to his death for me to be able to do that so I feel that we were robbed of that long before he died. The feelings of guilt are tremendous even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty for. I say this to other people when they talk to me about their loved ones but it is so different when it is yourself going through it. "Do as I say not as I do" seems to be my motto these days. I am embarrassed to say that I oftyen find myself wishing that I was with him wherever he is now but then I think "don't be selfish, your family don't need to be put through more grief at this point". I have no desire to end things it is just an overwhelming urge to be with my dearest darling who I never really realised meant so much to me. There is a song with the words "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" and in my case that is so true. So Ray, if you can see this just know that I miss you more than you could ever know. I will love you always and forever and I am forever yours. Love Patricia x x
Well Ray, we went out and had a meal but of course there was an empty chair at the table. We then walked to the pub but stopped by the Parish Church near the palace where you first went to school and toasted your birthday with 'Irish Mist' which I had taken in individual containers for everyone. They never said I was 'mad' or anything. Just accepted it as the right thing to do. We then went intothe pub and they all had a few drinks with you in mind. I had cranberry and soda. Jennifer is breaking her heart over you. she was a 'daddy's girl' and finding it so hard to accept that you are gone. She has decided that she is not going to celebrate her 30th birthday in January because she will find it too hard without you.
It was baby Ruby's Christening today and how beautiful she looked. What a little treasure. She has been my lifeline since you went. whwnever |I have felt so full of despair I have gone to visit our lovely niece Faye and had the best cuddles with Ruby. Your mum and my dad were both with me today and seemed to enjoy themselves.
Well it is 30 weeks today my sweet one since you left and it seems like an absolute lifetime since I held you in my arms on that last day. If only I could have you back I would give my last breath for you. I always said I was going to go first but we cannot plan these things can we. Instead I am left here to live my life without you. Oh flip, I am sitting here yet again with the tears falling down my cheeks. Easy for me because I do not need to hide them from anyone when I am on my own. I will write to you in a day or two after I have been to the docs. I am going to get checked out for a few things.
I will love you always and forever. Your heartbroken and devastated wife x x Patricia x x
Went to doc's Ray. He was a little impatient with me and tried to pin me down to dates for the things I was asking about. I told him I could not be specific and he kept saying '6 months' so I just said 'If you like' so he sent me for a chest xray and an extensive eye examination. I have to go back to see him in about a week's time when he has xray result back. The eye exam showed nothing untoward. Oh how I wish you were here, I miss you so much and just want to be able to hug you and kiss you. I would not want you here to be in pain but I am so devastated to have lost you and feel so sad and upset and alone. I am concerned over somne of the health issues I seem to be getting and am hoping that they come to nothing. Well my darling, I love you more than life itself. I would have given my own life for you to live. Your heartbroken and devastated wife x x Patricia x x I will love you always anf forever.
Ray, it is now 31 weeks since you left. I spent most of Sunday just moping about. Kept thinking I should do some chores but once again procrastination is the thief of time and I did none of them. Oh well, maybe when I get up in the morning. Oh and just thought I would let you know the xray showed normal heart and lungs. One more box ticked. I have spoken to all the kids today and they are all fine. Dad has returned from his trip to London safe and well. I saw your mum today and she is fine too. I called to see your friend Rita. She was so surprised to see me and we are planning to meet for a coffee. She is a good person isn't she? You'll be pleased to know that she has started listening to laughing lenny again. She can't listen to 'that's no way to say goodbye' though as it makes her cry. Now see what you did. Well Ray, I guess I should try to get some sleep. mmm....... . Good night God bless. I will love you always and forever. Please don't forget me. Your heartbroken and evastated wife x x Patricia x x
Oh dear my love, how long am I going to feel this bad. You wanted me to be happy but how can I ever be truly happy now you are no longer here to share my life with me?? Once again I have wasted most of the day. How sad that would make you. How selfish it makes me. Here I am moping around and wasting my life when you have had yours so cruelly stolen from you.
I love you so much and cannot get my head around the idea that you are never going to be here with me again.
Jennifer was telling Margaret the story of when you bought her the Mauri pendant and the significance of them. She seems to find great comfort in that pendant. We all miss you terribly.
With all my love always and forever. Your devastated and heartbroken wife x x Patricia x x
Ray, I love you more than life itself and miss you more and more each day. I am so trying to keep myself sane but it is difficult at times. I have to force myself to do things and some days all I want to do is disappear into a hole. Stuart and Kayo were here yesterday and had their evening meal with me. That was nice. Kayo showed me a photo of her in the wedding dress she has chosen. I am sure she will make a lovely bride. She is so sweet. I am going over to their house next weekend and she told Stuart she better tidy up coz the future mother in law was coming over lol.
I took your mum out today to see your two brothers. I think she enjoyed it.
I will love you always and forever my darling Ray but of course you already know that. Your heartbroken and devastated wife x x Patricia
My dearest Ray, it is now 36 weeks since I lost you. Each day "I say I am not going to cry today". but of course I always do. You didn't want me to be sad or lonely but how can I not be when I don't have you anymore? It was bad enough when you worked away but then I knew or at least hoped that you were coming back home and of course you did. I never, ever thought that I would lose you so soon. We planned to do so many things and were just getting to the stage when we could enjoy ourselves a little more. Now I am left here alone to try to carry on. It is so, so hard to even do the everyday things in life without wishing you were here. I suppose I am going to have to try harder to make a new life for myself, but I hate this life without you. I will love you always anf forever till death us doth reunite. Your heartbroken and devastated wife x x Patricia x x
Darling Ray it is 37 weeks now since I was left alone here to fend for myself in this cruel world. The famikly have been fantastic but they are not you. I am finding life without you so very hard. By that I mean that I am finding it difficult to contemplate doing any of the things we had planned to do. I hear lots of people saying that they have been keeping themselves busy and that they can't stop doing jobs around the house. I am totally the oposite. I cannot see the point of doing any of these things because you are not here to enjoy them with me. I have to force myself to even get dressed some days. If I thought I could get away with it I would just sit around in my dressing gown all day. I promise I will try harder. I love you and miss you so much. Yours always and forever your heartbroken and devastated wife x x Patricia x x
