The love of my life is gone......... but certainly will never be forgotten
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Ray, my best friend, soul mate life long partner, lover has gone. He had non-small cell lung cancer diagnosed in June 2008. What a dreadful day that was. We were absolutely devastated as you would understand. He fought so hard to beat this evil illness but nature had other ideas and he died on 1st March 2009. Myself and two of our three children (all grown up) were with him at the end. I wanted it to be just me and him but how can you deny your children that right? (How selfish of me to even contemplate such a thing). On that day I found myself thinking that I did not want to go on without him. It is now 16 weeks since he went and just as I thought I was coming to terms with things I find myself crying all the time (again). I know I will never forget him but I just want to be able to talk to him and hold him in my arms. He was in too much pain prior to his death for me to be able to do that so I feel that we were robbed of that long before he died. The feelings of guilt are tremendous even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty for. I say this to other people when they talk to me about their loved ones but it is so different when it is yourself going through it. "Do as I say not as I do" seems to be my motto these days. I am embarrassed to say that I oftyen find myself wishing that I was with him wherever he is now but then I think "don't be selfish, your family don't need to be put through more grief at this point". I have no desire to end things it is just an overwhelming urge to be with my dearest darling who I never really realised meant so much to me. There is a song with the words "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" and in my case that is so true. So Ray, if you can see this just know that I miss you more than you could ever know. I will love you always and forever and I am forever yours. Love Patricia x x
I really feel for you right now. I'm ever so sorry to know you lost your soulmate.
I lost my boyfriend just under a week ago from a disease triggered from his cancer, and I feel now that our future has been robbed. We're both so young but we knew we had a future together. I just want to hold him one last time.
Dear Amy, so sorry to hear about Adam. He sounds like such a brave and special young man. You and his family must be absolutely devastated by his death. Cancer and it's ensuing problems are hard to bear at any time but especially when someone is so young. I will keep you in my prayers my love and hope that in time you begin tom heal from this terrible hurt. Happy to talk with you any time you want. Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x
Dear Ray, today was little Isaac's baby blessing. It was very different and interesting service. They people from the church were bearing testimony to their faith and some of it was very moving. Your mum was very emotional as was myself. One of the church people came to speak to mum and I was really shocked when mum started sobbing. I have not seen her do that in all these 27 weeks. It was hard to be there without you by my side, but I did it. We then went on to Adrian's home and spent some time with him and Mary and Alice. Little Alice (or Malice as you used to call her) is growing into a lovely little girl. I took mum home then I went to see Faye because it is her birthday. Little Ruby is growing up fast. She is standing unaided for a few seconds now. Dad seems to be ok. I called to see him before coming home. I think I was just avoiding coming back to an empty house. Love always and forever. Your devastated and heartbroken wife. x x Patricia x x
Oh Ray, what am i going to do. I miss you so much it breaks my heart. I was looking after an old lady last night who kept saying she would be better in her box and six feet under. It was so hard to listen to that being said over and over again. She has dementia so was unaware of much of what she was saying. The tears are falling like a waterfall now because I am so distraught by your death. I am wondering why people feel the need to tell me what I should and should not be doing to make myself feel better. Do they think it is going to change anything, that I can turn my emotions on and off like a tap?? How silly they all seem. I was told last night that it is ok to tell someone you can imagine how they feel. To me that was a silly statement because however much they imagine, they can never know how I am feeling. I better close now as I am talking rubbish. I will love you always and forever. Your heartbroken and devastated wife. x x Patricia x x
Hi Ray, at last I have found my thread after trawling the the new support site. I thought it was lost but then suddenly came across it. I miss you so very, very much and if I could i would turn back time to the pre-cancer days. I know that is impossible but still wish I could do it. I will love you always and forever. Your heartbroken and devastated wife. x x Patricia x x
Ray, i am sorry but I just can't get to grips with the fact that I will never see you again. Never touch your face or kiss your lips or feel your arms around me. Why did I take these things so much "or granted, why did I not appreciate you more when you were here? The song 'you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" is so fitting now. Instead of starting to feel better I am crying more and more. I wonder though if that is because it is your birthday on Saturday. the kids want to go out for a drink in your honour. I am glad they want to do that but part of me just wants to be alone to cry and grieve. This is me being selfish and I really just want to be alone. You told me you didn't want me to be sad or lonely but that is just exactly what I am. I don't think I have ever experienced such sadness. I thought I was sad when mum died but somehow this seems so much worse. Perhaps because I have now lost two of the people I loved most in the world in less than two years. Well my love, I will try my hardest to get through this time and I know I will eventually but cannot envisage that being any time soon. I will love you always and forever. Your heartbroken and completely devastated wife x x Patricia x x
hi patricia im a bit lost on this site . i sent you a pm on tuesday to tell you it was 1 year since i lost my darling Paul . and i have got to say it was as bad as i thought it would be sorry for butting in to your post but thought i would cctch you when i could having big trouble on this site maybe just me no need to ask how you are . i can see from your post wish i could say it gets better but cant say that yet take care love hazel xxxxxxxx
Hazel, you are not butting in. it is nice to see your post. I am so sorry that you are having to post on this site at all. Life is so cruel at times. I have replied to you pm at last and left you a few ideas for hopefully helping you to deal with your current situation. Take care. Love and angel hugs x xPatricia x x
Hazel, you are not butting in. it is nice to see your post. I am so sorry that you are having to post on this site at all. Life is so cruel at times. I have replied to you pm at last and left you a few ideas for hopefully helping you to deal with your current situation. Take care. Love and angel hugs x xPatricia x x
Happy Birthday Ray. How sad that I have to say that to you on here and not in person. You have been robbed of a birthday and a life. I do feel very sad and bitter about that. I feel that you have been dealt a rotten hand and wish, oh how I wish that I could have that hand re-dealt and make it more favourable for you. I am hoping that I will not find today too traumatic but already I am extremely sad because there are going to be no birthday cards to put up for you and that makes it all the more real. I have bought a card which is specially for you and written how I feel.
The kids and I are meeting later because they all want to mark your birthday. We are going to your favourite 'watering hole' to have a drink in your honour. So be there if you can to enjoy the evening with us.
I will love you always and forever. Your devastated and heartbroken wife x x Patricia x x
