The love of my life is gone......... but certainly will never be forgotten
Former Member
129 replies
0 subscribers
375019 views
Ray, my best friend, soul mate life long partner, lover has gone. He had non-small cell lung cancer diagnosed in June 2008. What a dreadful day that was. We were absolutely devastated as you would understand. He fought so hard to beat this evil illness but nature had other ideas and he died on 1st March 2009. Myself and two of our three children (all grown up) were with him at the end. I wanted it to be just me and him but how can you deny your children that right? (How selfish of me to even contemplate such a thing). On that day I found myself thinking that I did not want to go on without him. It is now 16 weeks since he went and just as I thought I was coming to terms with things I find myself crying all the time (again). I know I will never forget him but I just want to be able to talk to him and hold him in my arms. He was in too much pain prior to his death for me to be able to do that so I feel that we were robbed of that long before he died. The feelings of guilt are tremendous even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty for. I say this to other people when they talk to me about their loved ones but it is so different when it is yourself going through it. "Do as I say not as I do" seems to be my motto these days. I am embarrassed to say that I oftyen find myself wishing that I was with him wherever he is now but then I think "don't be selfish, your family don't need to be put through more grief at this point". I have no desire to end things it is just an overwhelming urge to be with my dearest darling who I never really realised meant so much to me. There is a song with the words "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" and in my case that is so true. So Ray, if you can see this just know that I miss you more than you could ever know. I will love you always and forever and I am forever yours. Love Patricia x x
My darling Ray, this evening (saturday) I went out with the family to celebrate Richard's birthday. My dad and your mum came too so we had a real family outing. It was sad that you are no longer here to join us and several times throughout the evening I had to struggle to keep myself from crying. It is just so unfair that you are not here. I am not angry about it because you and I agreed that anger was a wasted emotion. I am just eternally sad for what we have both lost.
I miss you so, so much and just hate the thought of years and years ahead without you. It is now 40 weeks since you went and I miss you as much as I ever did. Monday should have been our 35th wedding anniversary but we have been robbed of that. I just wish that I could hold you in my armns and kiss you and tell you how much I love you but I will have to settle for writing on here and talking to your picture.
Please wait for me. I will love you always and forever. Your devastated and extremely heartbroken wife x x x Patricia x x x
I know exactly what you mean, my husband Roger died on the 21st of november,
the funeral was last wednesday and on Thursday, it hit me that he wouldn,t be with me any more.
We too were robbed of cuddles when the pain became too much to bear, i too wish i was with him some days, but it is supposed to be selfish, well i feel selfish, my Rog never hurt anyone, we had so many plans for our retirement, he was 58, in fact he will be 59 on the 10th of december.
I can,t believe the emptiness i feel, we used to do everything together , he is the love of my life, why do they take the good ones?
My thoughts are with you, and it seems there are a lot of young people dying before their time, it,s about time there was a cure considering all the billions spent on Cancer Research.
The bed seems bigger than ever now and when i do sleep, i wake every hour,
Dear Rosiemay, so sorry for your deep, deep sorrow. It is so hard. Thursday will be a hard one for you too. I will think of you on that day. May I suggest that you join some of the forums on here. Some of the people are really, really supportive.
My dearest Ray, I got through the day of our anniversary. The kids have been amazing. I went for lunch with Jennifer and she sent me home with white roses (our Yorkshire symbol). Stuart rang a couple of times to see that I was ok. Richard too was very supportive and asked how I was. Andrea and Margaret rang and offered support too. I called to see your mum and she seems ok. She is hurting but ok. I spent the day remembering our wedding day 35 years ago. A bitter sweet experience. It was a happy day but sad for me to remember it without you. The first of many such days to come??
I miss you more and more each day and cannot envisage a time when that will not be the case.
Love always and forever, your heartbroken and devastated wife. x x x Patricia x x x
Oh Ray, I missyou so much. It is getting harder and harder to function without you. I am so devastated and cannot seem to stop crying. Everytime I think of you I am in pieces. I don't want to stop thinking of you though. Maybe I am feeling so bad because I am physically exhausted through lack of proper sleep. Things don't improve. Today has seemed to be so long it has been interminable. I just wish you were here to talk to and laugh with and be annoyed with. Sorry love that is so selfish of me because at least now you are at peace.
Wait for me however long it takes.
Love always and forever, your heartbroken and devastated wife x x x Patricia x x x
Dear Ray, I am sorry I have not written lately but I have been finding it so hard to find the words.
Christmas day was a pleasant one because the kids were here and so was your mum and my dad. It was an emotionally charged day and I at least was having a struggle to keep my emotions under control. When we sat down to dinner, I knew I was going to break down so I used that moment to propose a toast to you and my mum. That way tghe tears seemeds valid and understandable.
At 7pm we set off our skylanterns but of course you already know all this don't you. There were 7 of us and we set off 7 lanterns. They were not that easy to do but we managed it eventually.
Boxing day saw me driving Richard to Whitby where I met Louise'sparents. We spent a pleasant few hours with her family and then Jennifer and I drove home.
You were missed greatly the next day when we al; met up at Margaret's. I looked around and felt sooo sad that I was there without you. You would have loved all the banter and the laughter especially with the children.
I saw the new year dawn whilst I was at work. Nothing new there as I hate that night and always have done. The worst thing about that is realisation that this is the first time I have seen it in as a bereaved partner. I hate the thought that you will never have been alive in a year that I am living through. I know it sounds ridiculous but it is just another milestone on this dreadful journey that I am now on.
I will love you always and forever and hope that one day we will be together again.
Your heartbroken and devastated wife x x x Patricia x x x
My dearest Ray, these early morning hours are so hard to bear. I have had a couple of days where I did not feel too bad but somehow the world has come crashing down round my ears again. there is no rhyme or reason for this, it is just how it is. I feel so very alone without you. I miss you more and more as time goes by. whoever said that times heals was mistaken. It does not heal, it just fools you into a false sense of acceptance of your situation and when it has won you over it jumps out and laughs in your face. This is how I feel right now. As though time is my enemy and just doing everything in it's power to hurt and destroy me. I know that you would be heartbroken to know this was how I feel but there is nothing I can do to stop it. Maybe tomorrow I will feel a little differently but right now I would give absolutely everything just to see you and hold you again.
I will love yoiu always and forever my darling and the vows that I renewed to you that day in the hospice I will stand by until it is time for me to come and be with you. 'till death us do join together'
I will love you always and forever. Your devastated and heartbroken wife x x x Patricia x x x
Darling Ray, it is a while since I posted a message for you but I think about you every day and in most things I do.
Today I am taking your mum and my dad to Jennifer's where we are meeting up witht rest of the gang. We are all then going to a new reastaurant for ameal to celebrate (belatedly) Jennifer's 30th. I so wish you were going to be with us. It is just too sad having these special dates without either you or mum there. It was yoiu who made them special with your ascerbic tongue and dry humour. Mind you, the kids are doing a sterling job to keep that spirit alive when we go out.
Just to make you happy, I must tell you that Richard has decided to try to quit smoking. I hope with all my heart that he manages it. I am so worried for him as he has a typical smokers cough and it breaks my heart to think what he is doing to himself.
Oh dear, now I am crying and being silly. I miss you so, so much and there is not aday goes by that I don't say that I wish I could turn back the clock. Useless I know. I just wish I had you back here but not to suffer. That would be too selfish of me. My life is meaningless to me without you in it. How sad that sounds but it is how I truly feel. How can you spend so much of your life with someone and then not miss them deeply? It just feels as though the biggest part of me has been ripped away. I put on a front for others but inside I am in bits. Nothing and no-one can ever change that. Perhaps the hurt will be put in 'box' but it will fall out frequently I know.
Jennifer is going through a tough time just now because M is having tests done. they are querying MS or Guillain barre syndrome. It is just too hard to comprehend that so many awful things can happen in a family.
I will come back later to let you know how things are.
I will love you always and forever, until death us do reunite x x
Your devastated and heartbroken wife x x x Patricia x x x
Darling Ray, I am missinmg you more and more as time goes by. This past week has been especially hard but I am trying so hard to sort myself out.
Stuart is getting on wel with the wedding preparations. It won't be long now until the wedding day. Oh how I wish you could be here.
M is back at work but we still don't know what the problem is (or was). Jennifer is getting on with her course and is hjaving good and bad days. The bad days being when she has to deal with anyone who has a very serious and life threatening condition. She will get through it though because you taught her well x x
Richard is doing his best to give up smoking. I do hope he achieves it. He knows how much we both worried about him.
I had a very brief dream the other night where you were here and still alive. You were only there momentarily but when I awoke I had such a shock when I realised that you were not here. It was such a cruel dream and I felt really cheated. But at the same time it was lovely to see you as you were. Lively and happy and pre-cancer diagnosis.
I will come back soon to tell you more.
Oh I don't know if you are aware, but on Valentines day there was a section on a tv programme where people were renewing their wedding vows. I renewed mine to you. I replaced the words 'till death us do part' and said 'till death us doth reunite'.
Bye for now, your heartbroken and devastated wife x x x Patricia x x x I will love you always and forever x x x
My dearest Ray, I never thought this year would come to a close. How have I managed to survive without you?? I know I always told you I would be fine but you knew as well as I did that it was going to be a struggle for me. I have held myself together for the past few days but only because I have been with the kids. I have been keeping myself very busyso that I did not have to think about today. I hate that you are not here, I hate that you will not be here for the wedding. I hate that I am going to the one place in the world that you really wanted to visit but you will not be with me. I hate that life is so cruel as to take away my soulmate, best friend, lifelong partner and rob us of the chance to grown old together. I miss you so much it hurts. I struggle so much some days yet other days I seem to get qlong just fine (I don't really, but it seems that way). I hate myself for being so week and not feeling as though I can go on without you. Sleep well my angel. Wait for me.
Love always and forever, your heartbroken and devastated wife x x x Patricia x x x
