Andrew, who began this thread, sadly died in September 2008, but his friends wished that his thread remain open in his memory, particularly to promote Andrew's idea of 'dancing away cancer' each Friday at 3pm. Please feel free to post your dance tunes every Friday in his memory.
Macmillan admin
Hello everyone,
this is my topic to start and its a question that has been burning around the back of my mind for the last few days.
I always thought that having a small group of very close friends was enough for anyone, ok you always have work colleagues and other acquaintances but the main group of my friends has remained within a steady little group of five people for nigh on the last twenty years. We have shared almost, if not all, of what life can show you over that period and nothing has every served to tear us very far apart for long.
There have always times when partners/other friends/own family have been more important to us and always been times when we are more important to each other and perhaps have taken some of this for granted and assumed that it will always be thus. I have reached the opinion that I have for certain.
Then you get cancer! Things change I suppose but I have cancer and all of a sudden things are important to me that weren't before and they have an impact on others which were not anticipated.
First I need to say that my friends have been great through this initial part of my illness and there is nothing to say that this position is going to change immediately - rather its me that seems to be changing and not them. I am having doubts about my ability to cope with what is happening to me and what may happen in the immediate future, I am doubting my friends willingness to hear what I have to say when they ask that questions each day "How are you?", I don't want to say "OK thanks" each time when I am not OK,
I want to say "it bloody hurts" and "I don't feel well at all" and "I think its really unfair that I have this disease and you don't" (that one really stings in your head and even if its not at all true, sometimes you can't help yourself thinking it even fleetingly).
Then after that I get guilty about having the disease and having those bad thoughts that seem to go along with it all. I keep thinking that I am asking too much of them now in terms of emotional and physical help and what if their well runs dry later when I need them even more than I do now and they have nothing left to give me. Then I think that that is a really selfish "me, me me" attitude to have and that gets me really down - can you be guilty about a guilty thought which in itself is only a selfish thought about feeling guilty - just how big a knot is that one to unravel.
Anyway before I drive all away completely with this "hymn to the depressed" that brings around the original thought I had;
- can you use up and wear out your friends and family with this thing before you need them most?
Thanks for reading (if you managed to get through the dirge without laughing too much) and any thoughts are appreciated.
Cheers
Andrew
Hi,
early in the morning and my body has found yet another way to hurt me! Good grief you'd think there were enough already that its using, but no, one more will be great!! Lets practise and see how much pain we can cause.
I was dreaming about being a gun smuggler (for some unknown reason) and the task was to get these guns from the north to the "rebels" in the south and on-one else could do it except me - so at least I was the hero - lol.
Anyway the guns got there as they should and then this character said to me (in the film and in real life) that you can't push pain down a body like you can push guns down a country. So I said you can, its easy,
shall we prove it - a bet was drawn up and the race began and I woke up in agony!!
All so simple really!
Taken Oramorph so its easing a bit now, its coming from the nerve in my back but instead of being transmitted down the muscles its going straight down my nerves to my knees and then my knees are exploding with pain. Its bad lying down and worse standing up. The only relatively comfortable place is sitting so here I am, sitting and waiting for the pain to ease - which it is - and typing my experiences LIVE onto my thread.
I feel like a BBC War Correspondent - lol - Live from Andrews legs, the true story of life on the battlefield.
I haven't told you all of yesterdays little mishap at the hospital - so here goes;
I was waiting for the blood test results so I could get my prescription. There is a small paper shop in the hospital entrance way and a nice coffee shop further along. So went to get the paper and then to go the coffee shop.
As I was making my way along some of those leaflet things fell out of the paper so being a tidy person I thought I should pick them up. I stared to bend down to get the things and realised they were a good deal further away from my grasp than I thought and, in addition, the crutches were getting in the way a bit. Anyway I didn't let this stop me, oh no, I Just carried on. I got down to the paper and then tried to stand up again - lol - NO POWER to move my legs!! I tried but each time I tried I moved a little further backwards and no further upwards. All this was happening in slow motion, my arms stared flailing (along with my crutches) like a bird with clipped wings and I was going down, I ended up flat on my back, my arms and legs spread eagled staring up at the ceiling with several concerned passers by asking me if I was alright - I wanted the ground to open and swallow me whole right then and there.
I got helped up and everyone was really nice to me, got myself together and set off for the coffee shop where I could sit without embarrassment because no-one there had seen my theatrics although I am sure they wondered quite why I was glowing red for the next thirty minutes.
So there you go - an accomplished backward diver and local pain was correspondent here - any takers - lol.
Andrew
xx
Helen,
Hi there, yes a bit of a tumble yesterday and, as I say, I think it has shaken up the bag so to speak.
Although I do believe I would have scored well in the "technical merit" and also the "artisitic impression" marks for my efforts.
Hope your day is gong better than mine thus far, how are you today?
Andrew
xx
