Andrew, who began this thread, sadly died in September 2008, but his friends wished that his thread remain open in his memory, particularly to promote Andrew's idea of 'dancing away cancer' each Friday at 3pm. Please feel free to post your dance tunes every Friday in his memory.
Macmillan admin
Hello everyone,
this is my topic to start and its a question that has been burning around the back of my mind for the last few days.
I always thought that having a small group of very close friends was enough for anyone, ok you always have work colleagues and other acquaintances but the main group of my friends has remained within a steady little group of five people for nigh on the last twenty years. We have shared almost, if not all, of what life can show you over that period and nothing has every served to tear us very far apart for long.
There have always times when partners/other friends/own family have been more important to us and always been times when we are more important to each other and perhaps have taken some of this for granted and assumed that it will always be thus. I have reached the opinion that I have for certain.
Then you get cancer! Things change I suppose but I have cancer and all of a sudden things are important to me that weren't before and they have an impact on others which were not anticipated.
First I need to say that my friends have been great through this initial part of my illness and there is nothing to say that this position is going to change immediately - rather its me that seems to be changing and not them. I am having doubts about my ability to cope with what is happening to me and what may happen in the immediate future, I am doubting my friends willingness to hear what I have to say when they ask that questions each day "How are you?", I don't want to say "OK thanks" each time when I am not OK,
I want to say "it bloody hurts" and "I don't feel well at all" and "I think its really unfair that I have this disease and you don't" (that one really stings in your head and even if its not at all true, sometimes you can't help yourself thinking it even fleetingly).
Then after that I get guilty about having the disease and having those bad thoughts that seem to go along with it all. I keep thinking that I am asking too much of them now in terms of emotional and physical help and what if their well runs dry later when I need them even more than I do now and they have nothing left to give me. Then I think that that is a really selfish "me, me me" attitude to have and that gets me really down - can you be guilty about a guilty thought which in itself is only a selfish thought about feeling guilty - just how big a knot is that one to unravel.
Anyway before I drive all away completely with this "hymn to the depressed" that brings around the original thought I had;
- can you use up and wear out your friends and family with this thing before you need them most?
Thanks for reading (if you managed to get through the dirge without laughing too much) and any thoughts are appreciated.
Cheers
Andrew
Helen,
you never stop, don't know how you do it - I couldn't hang a door before I had cancer so chances of doing it now are pretty nil - lol.
Not sure whether the news about the growth is good or bad, 1 mil doesn't sound much does it but if waiting gets more chances later then thats probably the way I would go as well. I hope it all works out for you both.
Sue,
I saw that post - thought you must be joking (or at least hoped you were). So I passed by on the other side of the road and pretended not to know you very well - lol.
But some poeple must like it - and I profess I cannot hold anyone responsible for thei teast in music, they use the stuff the same way as everyone else, as a way out of where they are now, and that can never be a bed thing to do. I'd just use a different form of transport!
Off out to dinner shortly, another 50th birthday do. Sounds like I am always out for dinner doesn't it and then comlaining about pain the next day - I must be some form of ungrateful old whiner!! Its not really like that I just want to makle the most of each opportunity that comes along - honest guv !!
So, see you all later, hope you have great evenings and catch up tomorrow,
Cheers All,
Andrew
xx
