Andrew, who began this thread, sadly died in September 2008, but his friends wished that his thread remain open in his memory, particularly to promote Andrew's idea of 'dancing away cancer' each Friday at 3pm. Please feel free to post your dance tunes every Friday in his memory.
Macmillan admin
Hello everyone,
this is my topic to start and its a question that has been burning around the back of my mind for the last few days.
I always thought that having a small group of very close friends was enough for anyone, ok you always have work colleagues and other acquaintances but the main group of my friends has remained within a steady little group of five people for nigh on the last twenty years. We have shared almost, if not all, of what life can show you over that period and nothing has every served to tear us very far apart for long.
There have always times when partners/other friends/own family have been more important to us and always been times when we are more important to each other and perhaps have taken some of this for granted and assumed that it will always be thus. I have reached the opinion that I have for certain.
Then you get cancer! Things change I suppose but I have cancer and all of a sudden things are important to me that weren't before and they have an impact on others which were not anticipated.
First I need to say that my friends have been great through this initial part of my illness and there is nothing to say that this position is going to change immediately - rather its me that seems to be changing and not them. I am having doubts about my ability to cope with what is happening to me and what may happen in the immediate future, I am doubting my friends willingness to hear what I have to say when they ask that questions each day "How are you?", I don't want to say "OK thanks" each time when I am not OK,
I want to say "it bloody hurts" and "I don't feel well at all" and "I think its really unfair that I have this disease and you don't" (that one really stings in your head and even if its not at all true, sometimes you can't help yourself thinking it even fleetingly).
Then after that I get guilty about having the disease and having those bad thoughts that seem to go along with it all. I keep thinking that I am asking too much of them now in terms of emotional and physical help and what if their well runs dry later when I need them even more than I do now and they have nothing left to give me. Then I think that that is a really selfish "me, me me" attitude to have and that gets me really down - can you be guilty about a guilty thought which in itself is only a selfish thought about feeling guilty - just how big a knot is that one to unravel.
Anyway before I drive all away completely with this "hymn to the depressed" that brings around the original thought I had;
- can you use up and wear out your friends and family with this thing before you need them most?
Thanks for reading (if you managed to get through the dirge without laughing too much) and any thoughts are appreciated.
Cheers
Andrew
Hi Dianne, lucky he didn't let go, could have been chasing money all over the car park as well!
Rosy, what are you on? - I want some too - lol
running with money?
Rosy's new pills?
See you all soon
Andrew
Just been listening to some music in the kitchen (no reason why there - just was), am I the only person who just thinks Nick Drake is brilliant - "Poor Boy" - made for my mood todya with the right amount of sacastic verse - "Northern Sky" - again, nail on head moment wiht the sentiments. Can't be just a coinicidence can it?
Anyway thats what I was doing - Rosy, you kept that a secret didn't you, your personal chef and not only that but doing sugar stuff at the moment as well!!!
No wonder you're jumping up and down with sugar rushes - lol.
for Rosy
Sue/Rosy/Dianne,
I blame the drugs - lol - I know I got it all mixed up, I was trying to be clever and failed miserably!!
My typing has gone to pot and I was so proud of finding a chef smiley that I just rushed straight in without thinking - maybe I'm getting younger - lol - or maybe not (more likely).
Well Dianne that should make you feel better anyway and Sue, sorry for mixing you up!
My mate Baz came round and took me shopping so at least I now have some food in, the pain is doing what it did yesterday and easing off nicely now but I can't help feeling that’s another day gone by in a bit of a rubbish way. Is it wrong to crave a cigarette through all this - I feel enormously guilty about smoking whilst all this is going on but I was climbing the walls this afternoon for the want of one - stupid isn't it?
Anyway I have arranged that sis will take me on Thursday morning for the oncology review if needed, some trepidation about that as the appt is for 10.10am and that’s been slap in the middle of the excruciating pain for the last three days - ah well hopefully the Gabapentin will have had some effect by then and it will be easier, I will wait and see but at least some help will be available for me.
Other than that been a nice late afternoon, sun shining through the windows and alls right with the world.
I hope that you are all enjoying the time of day and long may it continue!
Cheers all,
Andrew 
(is that one any better or more appropriate - lol)
