my beautiful mum has gone page 2

Hi Amanda

Well our little night owl has returned and I can see that someone is going to have to remind you to go to bed earlier!!  However, it’s lovely to see you and to catch up on all your news – we’ve missed you!

Sounds as if the last few weeks have been very hectic and it must be quite difficult now it’s all quiet and back to the normal routine.  I know that this time last year I had surrounded myself with so much activity over Dec and Jan in a bid to give myself no time to think about anything else then suddenly it was all over and I had to face up to what had happened again.  It’s a very challenging time of year I think for all kinds of reasons and I’m sure the next few weeks will be filled with mixed emotions for you.

I was pleased to hear about your dad getting away with someone in a similiar position, that must be reassuring for you to know that even though they may not talk about their feelings, they have each other to go around with and neither are sat at home alone.  It must also seem funny not to have him around at the moment.

Yes I am a teacher but as I said to Louise, big students or even old one (!) they’re all postgraduates who bring along a wealth of life experiences and their own challenges so it’s very rewarding and I do enjoy the study weeks they spent here at the university.

It sounds as if when you feel ready you will be able to go back to teaching, I do think that whatever age you teach they are demanding and you do need to feel able to be able to cope with them.  In many ways it’s easier if you already have a job as then colleagues are aware of what has happened and they can to some extent lend their support.  I suppose taking on a new job is much more challenging in almost every way and you would need to feel ready and able to take that on.  I think that both Karen and Jayne have been thinking about jobs but also feel, that at the moment, perhaps the timing is not quite right.

How are Aaron and Josie getting on, is Aaron now well settled at school and Josie well, nearly one.  Does it feel that the last year has flown by or not?  Can you believe she’s nearly one?

I was interested to read that your husband wants you to be “normal again”, my son said the very same thing to me in the context that these days I’m not as “smiley” or cheerful as I used to be and when would I be back to myself.  After some thinking about this, I have had to say that this is now the normal me and whilst I am trying to be “smiley2, deep down I have this loss and I cannot ever do anything about that.  I know that for the most part I have now accepted how I feel and how I cope. But now the normal me is Susan without her mum and her dad and nothing can replace that loss.  All my family have been patient and they do accept that my life and theirs has changed and we all need to readjust to that.      

So Amanda, better rush off now, hope to see you later (not very late mind!),  Bit disappointed to hear about your football support but still you have a good reason!

Great to have you back!

Love Susan x

Hi Susan,

Phew, thanks for your message, I was worried that maybe I had said too much.   I know I haven’t been coming here very often and I don’t know everyones circumstances or how you all lost your lovely mums (and dads), and I also know that most people who have never experienced losing them think that after a few months or at least a year that you are ok and when you start talking about it, you can almost see the look on their face, as if to say “oh for goodness sake, I’ve heard it all before, get over it”.  They all carry on don’t they? But its not like that is it?  I lost my lovely dad in 1994 and it’s just as fresh in my mind now as it was a week after he left us.  So if any of you want to tell me (only if you want to), I am ok to listen.  Don’t think because you’ve said it all before that people don’t want to hear it again.  Look at it this way, I haven’t heard it, so its ok isn’t it.  Hope your family are ok Susan.  Love Jayne xxx

Hi Jayne

Take care and hope to hear from you soon, Jayne. Don’t suppose you’ve managed into the garden this week.

Love Louise

Hi Amanda

Wow, Susan’s right, you are the night owl!! I expect you’re up at the crack of dawn too with two young children to care for. I’m always in bed pretty early thinking I’m tired but I’m often up within a couple of hours, pacing about. My mind just races and I can’t sleep. I hope I don’t wake the neighbours with my music!!

I understand what you mean about talking not changing anything-I wish it could. I think I’m just going in the hope that she can help me reach a greater degree of acceptance. Like you I prefer to be questioned but this counsellor uses the “non directive, person centred approach” (I think!!) Sometimes though, she does steer me in a particular direction. The Macmillan Nurse I saw was fantastic and we had a great rapport. However, I felt I was relying far too heavily on her for support and although she would have kept visiting I told her to stop. I missed her so much and really didn’t cope well at all after that. My GP insisted that I try CRUSE. I’ll see what tomorrow brings. I feel myself getting more and more worried about it. Another musical night tonight I think!!!

Your Mum was so young, wasn’t she? She must have been so proud to see you complete your course. You must have been so proud of yourself too. My Dad died the day before his 66th birthday and Mum was nearly a couple of years older. Both still young and with so much still to live for in my eyes.

I know what you mean about going to the gym even just for the company. It is very hard some nights on my own but my confidence and self-esteem are at a real low just now and the prospect of going out and meeting new people scares me somewhat. I’ll have to do something soon though. Maybe if I go I may meet a nice eligible bachelor!!

I’m glad your dad has managed to get away and has found some company to do so. I bet your missing him though. My brother is an avid Celtic fan but took over our seats at Pittodrie when Dad died. I just hope he behaves himself when Celtic play up here.

I’m off to finish my preparation for tomorrow.

Take good care of yourself and get an early night Amanda

Lots of love

Louise

Hi Susan

Well how was your day? I’m sitting here trying to work again but am getting nowhere fast.

I’m getting rather “wound up” about tomorrow but I’m sure once I get there things will be fine. I hope I don’t “lose” 2 hours like last time!! My thoughts and actions are so irrational sometimes and as I’ve said before I’m just finding it so hard to let Mum go. If I go back I’ve decided to stick to the fortnightly sessions. The weekly ones would be in the morning meaning I would have to return to work afterwards. I don’t think I could cope with that. Although people at work are very understanding of my situation it is really difficult to provide cover sometimes too.

I understand what you mean about your house feeling as though it had no sole without your parents there. Taking all the practicalities into account, I suppose we had no real option but to sell Mum’s house and it wouldn’t have been an issue for me if I didn’t stay so close. Hopefully in time I’ll get used to seeing strangers there. I won’t rush into moving from here. As you say I’m still close to Mum and Dad and I do feel comfortable in my familiar surroundings. I also am so handy for work and manage to get home at lunchtimes to take the dog out.

Better go and focus on this preparation and then TRY and get some sleep.

Thanks Susan. Where would i be without you just now????? Will be in touch soon.

Lots of love

Louise

xx

Hi Maryanne and welcome,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mother-in-law, it must have been an awful shock for you and your partner.  My dad died with lung cancer that spread to his liver and his bones, from diagnosis to his death was only about 2 months.  Prior to that he had been very well with no obvious clue as to how sick he was.  It was a complete shock and we had no time to prepare or come to terms with it, he became very ill quickly and then died.  We did not have the time that you may have now and I’m sure you’ll make the most of this.

Where is she living now and what kind of care is she needing?   It’s very difficult to know what will happen over the next few weeks and my only advice is to make the most of every minute irrespective of everything else that is going on around you both.  You need to be sure that everything you ever want to say, you should take the opportunity, I do know how difficult this can be – most of us here have already lost our mums and yet the last few weeks we spent with them are still very vivid in all our minds.

I’m sorry but I cannot tell you what to do, except waste no time, make the most of every minute and make sure she knows how very much you love her.

I’m sure you’ll be doing all the right things at the right time.  Do keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on, we’d be pleased to see you.

Best wishes

Susan