hi susan and amanda, been having problems posting on the other post so thought i would carry on here and see if it works!! how has your weekend been? susan do things feel a little easier for you this year or not really? i feel so sorry for you having all those people around you last year when i bet all you wanted to do was run didnt you? its awful with christmas coming isnt it i even go shopping online as to not have to go shopping with all the xmas things about. i feel so selfish and bitter at the moment and dont want to, i can hear my mum saying come on karen dont be like that but its hard isnt it. i feel so lonely tonight i just want to talk and have a cuddle and a kiss with my mum, sometimes it really hits even harder doesnt it? speak to you both soon, and hope you are bearing up. we all need each other dont we? my love and thoughts are with you love karen xxxxx
hope you had a good day today, i bet your glad the weekend is over with and glad your into this week now.
have just looked at your website, well done its great, you you should give yourself a pat on the back!! i bet you and all the little darlings love cuddles and joe they are so sweet.
when is your next counselling louise? i am very apprehensive about going tomorrow as usual, its very exhausting isnt it? like you i have done a memory box for my mum and dad, have only managed to look at them once so far, but its early days yet isnt it? but i also have lots of mum and dads things around the house, and lots of lovely photos everywhere, so i see them every day. todays been a particularly hard one, not for any reason but you know what i mean just one of those days.
i hope today has been better for you, and you have a good nights sleep. what dog do you have? we have a springer spaniel hes lovely one of the family, he is 4 now. got to go now danny going to bed, speak soon louise, take care, lots of love and hugs karen xxx
So sorry to hear your news, I hope you are ok. It is such a difficult time for you as so much has happened and I suppose it is also easy for our loved ones to feel pushed out and unwanted. Losing someone as special as your dad is just so awful and it will take a long time to come to terms with his loss, let alone the others. This loss will have affected your whole family and of course everything changes and what we need around us are people who can accept that it is difficult but hopefully over time things will improve as we readjust.
I do hope that things will improve for you, it must feel that just the last straw - just when you really need someone standing strong by your side.
If there is anything we can do, then of course we will, in the meantime, we are here just to listen and offer any support - you have been so giving to others, now you must look after yourself and your family.
Good to hear from you. Sorry you’ve been a bit down today. It’s awful when you’ve had a few good days and then- bang- you feel horrid again. As Susan says your feelings may be linked to the counselling tomorrow. If you’re like me you’ll panic a bit as to how you’ll react when everything is brought to the surface again. Hopefully it will be of benefit to you in the long term. I go back on Wednesday and like you am quite anxious about it after last time.
Springer spaniels are lovely dogs, aren’t they? I have a cocker spaniel. He’s nearly 12 now. He’s not too keen on pounding the pavements any more but he’s still full of life when he gets to run along the beach or the local moor. He’s going a bit deaf now too and I can often pop home for lunch and bang about in kitchen and he’s still snoring happily on my sofa!! . Oh to be a spoilt dog!!! I don't know what I'd do without him just now.
Hope you’ve got your little one off to bed OK. Good luck tomorrow Karen-you’ll be fine once you’re there I’m sure.
Now to try and fill you in on some of my news – Christmas and New Year passed by pretty quickly, obviously it was a very emotional time but we got through it. Having my friend over from America helped (in some ways!!) It kept me very busy, she has a little boy just five months younger than my son – so as you can imagine the house was hectic and although the boys got on most of the time they did have odd ‘moments’ which kept us all on our feet. Her boyfriend wanted to do everything as he had never been here before – but there is only so much you can do in two weeks isn’t there. We went Ice-skating in Windsor, London museums and sight seeing, drove to Scotland (most of my mum and dads family live up there so stayed with my aunty which was nice), they stayed a couple extra days in Scotland to see Ben Nevis. I am afraid I can’t support Aberdeen – My dad is a Celtic man (the club he started out at, at a mere 15 yrs of age!) so that will always be our ‘Scottish club’! My dad was also in Scotland, having a well-deserved break. He is now in Spain – he is also with a very good friend of his who lost his wife not long after my mum passed away, to same. I think it has been good for them to have each other for support. It can be much harder for men to find the support they need can’t it? Maybe he will have time to go for counseling now too. We shall see. Once my friend from America went home I did come down to earth with a bump, I had a terrible week form the 9th Jan and also had to postpone going back to work because I didn’t have anyone to look after the kids (its just part time but it helps because I have something else to focus on) I have felt better since going back and getting back into a sort of routine. I haven’t started back at counseling yet and know I should ring to make an appointment but I am not sure if I am ready to start again yet I’m just not sure. I never did ask you before – but are you a teacher too? As I said to Louise I completed a PGCE in 2005 and did some supply work during pregnancy – but have not had heart to apply for a part time teaching job yet, don’t think I could sell myself in interview just yet!! So I will stick to fitness teaching in meantime it is easier to juggle with children at moment. I hope you are doing well and also I wanted to say that I am sorry I missed the anniversary of your mums birthday – I was thinking about you when I read about it and really think people were probably just trying not to upset you and that is why they did not mention it – although we would much rather talk about them and remember even if we do get upset, but some people just don’t seem to understand this. Take care Susan I do enjoy reading your messages you have such an amazing sense of understanding and are such a comfort to all. Thank you Xxx Lots of love Amanda
Thank you for message. I hope your counseling session goes well this week, I understand your apprehension before the session, it is hard isn’t it, you know you have so much you want to talk about, and you don’t want to forget anything, but sometimes it is hard to get across exactly what you want to say isn’t it? I felt like I needed to prepare sometimes and that made me wonder whether I had a good enough rapport with the counselor, although I did get a lot more out of last session because she was more constructive - I need that – not because I don’t have anything to talk about but because I want ideas and reasons and need to be probed a bit. What is your counselor like? Does she ask questions or just leave you to talk? I have not started back yet so will have to call soon to get an appointment. Let me know how yours are going. Did you decide to go every week? I hope your okay – I read that you were feeling down yesterday and that’s okay it is going to be back and forward and sometimes you feel more accepting of it than other times don’t you? Take care Karen and I’ll speak to you soon. Xxx Lots of love Amanda
I am sorry you are going through this when you are dealing with so much already. My husband and I argue a lot more now than we used to and I think it is hard for them to understand that even when we are getting on with things our lost loved ones are in our minds all the time. My husband has said that he wants his wife back and just wants me to be normal again – but it is going to take time, I don’t feel ‘normal’ and although I know my mum would want me to enjoy my life and would want me to be as happy as possible it Is very hard sometimes to just forget and do that. I am sure it will get better with time but as I have said to my husband he needs to be patient and give me time - I don’t know how long it will take and do make as much effort to make our lives as normal as possible when I can, but sometimes I just snap because I also expect a lot more from him in terms of understanding and support, maybe I expect to much too and a lot of it boils down to the differences between men and women as-well (no offence to any men out there!!). I hope you guys can work it out if possible but you need to do what is best for you and know we are here for you as you work through this. Sending you strength and love Xxxx Amanda
Thank you for message. I hope counseling goes well this week, and that you were able to share more than last time. I know exactly what you mean about keeping so much in and then crumbling when you leave, but maybe that is some of what it is about - learning to understand what you want to share and feeling comfortable enough to do that. I had been going before Christmas and have not booked another session yet. I had about four sessions and had to cancel the last one just before Christmas because Josie was ill (nothing serious, just sickness). I guess I have not rung to book an appointment because I feel same as you rather apprehensive about it, I definitely think I need to keep going, especially after bad days but I always have the thought at back of head that I can talk about it as much as I want but it isn’t going to change anything, she can’t give me answers as to why it had to happen and why it happened so quickly and she cant bring my mum back. I sometimes feel like I open up on here more than I do in sessions, though did have a fairly productive one last time I went, she did probe a bit more. I just don’t like to be left to talk I prefer questions so I know she is trying to understand me I also want to ask her questions such as why she does this – but have not had heart to yet!!
As for PGCE we found out mum was ill again during the Easter break before I started my second placement, I did consider stopping course but mum was so proud of me for doing it I really wanted to finish it and you put so much hard work into it, it would have been silly to waste it. When my mum started Chemo she did so well we really thought she was beating it again, or would fight it for a long time. She was only 56 and a strong positive woman who probably stayed strong just to help us stay positive. We didn’t talk about death until the very last week when we all knew it was inevitable and there was no way out but I think this was the way it had to be so she could fight it for as long as she did. I have felt so many emotions since losing her and since having Josie, she would have liked nothing better than to be here for me and she was such a great grandma to my son, such an active, playful grandma it really does hurt so much that she can’t be here to share that with Josie. But I know I have to follow her and be the best mum to my kids, but it is hard.
I will try for a teaching job soon – a job share or PPA cover teacher – just have to wait for right job to come along full time would be way too much as you said there is so much more to it than school hours!! I think work does help, because my quiet times are worst, they are times I know I would have been spending with mum if she was here. My dad is up and down and misses her dreadfully, they were a great couple, still in love and they went out more than my husband and I! They really were the best of friends and so his life has really changed, even more so because he resigned from his job just before Christmas, so now has all this time – he often wonders why he didn’t resign when he found out she was ill so that he could have spent as much time with her as possible, but she would not have wanted that either, and he was having a very good managerial year in 2005 so there were not many football downs which was good. He has been in Spain this week (and next) and is with a very good friend who also lost his wife not long after my mum passed away – I am so glad they have each other and yes he adores the children and we keep him busy and rope him into babysitting when my husband is working and I have to work. The kids adore him too.
I saw that you have a dog (my mums dog is a cocker spaniel so a very special part of our family too, all of us look after him, my brother at moment) but guess my mention of the gym was probably more from point of view of giving you a place to go to just get you out of house when you are feeling down, I know you can take dog for a walk, but this is on your own and I guess gyms seem to help in sense that other people are around, nothing to do with work, and you can speak to them if you want or just be amongst them but not on own. I recently meet a woman at my gym who lost her husband to cancer just over a year ago and it has been nice actually meeting someone that has some empathy even if our situations are a bit different. I guess it would just be another network even though you don’t need to get fit!! Anyway look at me going on, I’m not really pushy!! You can tell I have not written on here enough lately! I hope you are okay and that week has been not to bad. I’ll speak to you soon. Lots of Love Xxx Amanda
You're more than welcome to join us and you certainly would not be invading anyone's space - quite the opposite. Karen started off our chats and there is a great opportunity for us to come together and talk things trhough with each other. I think we have all found it really helpful and reassuring to hear about other people's experiences, views and I think there is an inherent understanding and insight about how we all collectively feel about losing either one or both parents.
Your message has reflected this so well, as I would suggest that you are able to provide Louise with a perspective on moving which she has been thinking about. This kind of "wondering" is, I think, what we all tend to do because we spend so much time going over everything as we try to come to terms with what has happened. For both of us, there was almost a clear cut decision and there were good reasons for us making the choice we did, so Louise can add these experiences to her own and then reflect on the pros and cons for her.
It sounds as if you are happy at home and in many ways, it must be very comforting to be in your mum's garden and kitchen (apart from the "dusting!!").
Have to go now to get my son off the school bus! It's good to see you!
