hi susan and amanda, been having problems posting on the other post so thought i would carry on here and see if it works!! how has your weekend been? susan do things feel a little easier for you this year or not really? i feel so sorry for you having all those people around you last year when i bet all you wanted to do was run didnt you? its awful with christmas coming isnt it i even go shopping online as to not have to go shopping with all the xmas things about. i feel so selfish and bitter at the moment and dont want to, i can hear my mum saying come on karen dont be like that but its hard isnt it. i feel so lonely tonight i just want to talk and have a cuddle and a kiss with my mum, sometimes it really hits even harder doesnt it? speak to you both soon, and hope you are bearing up. we all need each other dont we? my love and thoughts are with you love karen xxxxx
Thank you for asking, I was mainly trying to keep myself busy. On Friday night me and my boyfriend got a takeaway and watched the boxing with my dad (he is boxing mad). It helped my dad take his mind off things slightly which was nice to see.
Saturday night was the first time that I have been out properly since my mum left us. I felt a bit guilty but all my family told me to go out and get back to some kind of normality. So me and my boyfriend went to a 40th Party. The girls mum, whose party it was, had decorated the walls with pictures of when she was young. Into to the night I began to get upset as I realised my mum will never see me be 40 and she will never be able to decorate the walls for me, with the pictures of when I was young. I tried not to cry and held out until I got home and then it all came flooding out.
On Sunday we all went round my sister's for dinner, we all sat and watched the football, my dad is a big west ham supportor, so again it helped take his mind off things slightly.
I also had a wierd dream over the weekend, I dreamt I was reunited with my mum and she was talking to me, she said "do you know what Nic I really didn't think I was going to die", it freaked me out a bit but I suppose its my mind playing games.
Still trying to be strong but always seem to have a good cry most evenings because I miss my mum so much, its so horrible and wierd without her.
How are things for you at the moment Karen, I hope you are ok and I am thinking of you too.
Hi Karen
How are you, are you feeling any brighter its so difficult isn't it. I'm still feeling so low its just so awful to watch mum go through so much. I would do anything to make her better but I can't I just have to be there for her and support her as best as I can. It feels like I'm living a nightmare and theres no end in sight. I'm pleased you are settled in your new homeand the boys its a fresh start for you all. I will you all well with it. I hope you have an ok week lots of love Sharon xxxx
Hi Louise
You must be relieved to finally get those reports finished. Its sad about your headmistress mother I imagine that it makes you think of when your mum died it just so hard isn't it. I haven't decided what to cook for mums birthday I may do spag boll as its one of her favourites. I'm hoping it will be a really special day and something to remember. I hope you have a better week this week and that you are feeling a little brighter lots of love Sharon xxx
Hi Jayne
I hope you are having an ok day. It must have felt really strange going back in your mums house especially when so many things had changed. I'm still feeling really low but I'm going to try and do what you said and just concenstrate on the here and now and not worry about what will be next year, although it is really hard not to think of the future and whats going to happen, but at the end of the day I can only deal with whats happening now. I saw mum yesturday she was so exhausted we didn't talk that much as she was so tired. I took rye out for a long walk in the rain he was filthy when we came back, he's good company for mum at the moment. I haven't decided what to do for mums birthday I may do spag boll as its one of her favourites. I just want it to be a really special day for us both. These low days are horrible, some days I don't want to get out of bed I just want to hide from everyone hopefully my mood will pick up again soon. I hope you have a good week have you anything planned or just take it as its comes. How is your back doing I hope its a lot better now mine ok now just the odd twinge You take care and I'll speak soon lots of love Sharon xxx
good to hear from you, im so glad you managed to get out for a while over the weekend, it must have been really upsetting at your friends party with all the pictures, but you were so brave facing it all!! i know what you mean my mum never saw my 40th (jan) birthday and i was so upset, you feel so helpless dont you as theres nothing you can do to change things, and we would all give anything to change whats happened wouldnt we?
its normal for you to cry nicky, just try and let it all out, i cry over my mum and dad a lot of the time, its not as much as it was, so i think its all sinking in now and easing slightly, its like some days are a bit better than others isnt it?
how did you feel about your dream? i was told that if you dream about them like you did that its there way of coming to visit you, if it is how wonderful!!
my sister has dreamt that my dad has visited her and she was sobbing telling me about it but it gave her comfort as well.
i hope you have a good evening nicky, speak soon, take care, lots of love karen xxx
good to hear from you, sorry your feeling so low, you will be with what your mum is going through, i was feeling exactly the same as you watching my mum go through this, it is all so hard the hardest thing ever!!
it does feel like your in a nightmare and you just want to wake up from it, ive been feeling like this also for the last year and a half nearly, i still think all of this couldnt have happened, but i havent woke up from it yet!!
if we could change things we would wouldnt we? just take each day as it comes sharon, and treasure every moment you have with your precious mum, i hope you both have a lovely birthday meal together.
Life isn't any better at the moment. The pain of being without my mum is unbearable. Looking at her photos now is painful. It didn't use to be. Is that something to be expected? Does it get easier again? I miss her so much my heart does feel as if it has broken. Part of me really did die with her. I am so tired of crying all the time and I haven't got the energy to cope with everything that is going on.
I had to go for an IEP meeting with my sons teacher this afternoon and I felt so stupid because as soon as she asked how I was I just cried and cried. I know it is all part of the grieving process but I need to know that there is light at the end of this tunnel.
it is all normal for this horrible grieving process to cry and cry, i still cry now if anyone asks me how i am, but even though i still get very very upset it has lessended slightly, and it will for you honestly!!
as for the photos jodi, in my old house i had pictures up everywhere and in my bedroom, since ive moved to my new house i havent been able to put any pictures up of my mum and dad in my bedroom as it makes me too sad to see them there, so i know exactly where your coming from about the photos, some days i can look at photos and smile more, but other times i cant look at them as i just sob over them, so it must all be normal.
this grieving journey jodi is absolutely terrible, but i know it must have to get easier as when my mum lost her mum 10 years ago (who she adored), she was in a terrible state for months, then she started to get better, so i always think if mums life could have got better then so can mine, but at the moment it is still so raw, and for you and it is very very hard to try and comes to terms with isnt it?
i know you have also got a lot of other things going on as well, so you are trying to deal with everything and my heart goes out to you, as i know how hard it is dealing with my parents deaths without the other things you have on top.
we are all here for you, come here and chat whenever you want to and need to, i wish you all the best for your other problems.
please take care of yourself, speak soon, lots of love and hugs karen xxx
i was just reading your message on one of the other posts, i didnt realise your mum had aml, my dad passed with aml, it is a terrible disease isnt it? dad only lived 7 days from his diagnosis it was such a shock because the short space of diagnosis to passing, how long did your mum have after she was diagnosed? if you dont want to talk about it i fully understand.
How are you? Thanks for your post. Ive been up since 6am again, my back is really bad, going to doctors on monday for something else, so will ask him about it.
My mum was due to have a knee replacement august 1st 2005, but she had a premed and her blood showed up not right. So they sent her for a bone marrow biopsy in aug, a week later we got the results. So she was diagnosed in august 2005. She was quite well up until february 2006, then started getting things wrong. She was in and out of hospital all the time until on June 3rd last year she became quite poorly. I stopped work in May to look after her at home here because she got so weak, but really did try to get up. She used to force herself to get washed and dressed, but it all got too much. She was on a lot of medication for various things. In the end she collapsed here and was taken to the cancer ward. They tried one more blood transfusion (none of them had worked in the past), and this one didnt work either. So as there was nothing else they could do for her, she was transferred to the hospice where she passed away June 28th.
I really feel for you Karen, it must have been such a shock for you, the little time you had with your dad. If it hadnt been for mum having that premed we probably wouldnt have found out till much later. At least we had 9 or 10 months of quality time with her.
How are you feeling? I'm having a real down few days, probably the back isnt helping. But I still keep finding things of mums that i didnt know were here. We found a video of my nieces wedding in 1998 on friday, and we played it. My mum looked so beautiful. It was in the dominican republic and everyone is happy and smiling, it was lovely. I sat and cried. My husband got upset too. He said my mum always looked lovely. I'm crying again, cant seem to be able to sort myself out lately.
What happened with your dad Karen (if you want to talk about it). Jayne xxx
