Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
Dear MHM NO APOLOGISES!!!!!! needed no upset caused no offence caused you need to say these things and you should be able to here with all your friends!who love and want to support you i just wish i could give you some words of comfort but im not good at that this B**t**d disease does not care who it tears apart but we do and we want to be there for you we love you MHM and Daz. i just wish i could say more to help i wish i could help you more feel so useless typing these words hoping that one word jumps through to make you see that Dear MHM we love you and you have done nothing wrong love and bigs hugs chcickie sue flat butty mophead madwoman xxxxxxx
hey my special friend and chickie Lynne Babe it's so good to hear from you. I have missed you so much and our chats. Thank you for your kind words they mean alot. As i said to chickie Sue i'm so very sorry if i have upset you with the words i said it was thoughtless of me to write that and i feel bad now. I truly am sorry and hope you and anyone else i have offended will forgive me. I'm just so very worried about daz. Didn't think it would be like this mate. I'm scared. Watching him gasping to breath is just awful. He hates in hospital and has stopped eating too. He wants to come home and said he's gonna ask again tomorrow. I know they won't let him though he's really not well enough. I don't know what to say really. Nothings gonna change this is it? Thank you for being here for me your words mean so much I hope you are okish although i know that's probably a stupid sentance. i'm sorry mate Love and hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
hey my chickie helen Thank you babe for everything. One of my special stars. I'm sorry to you also if my words have upset or offended you in any way and hope you forgive me. I know no one can do anything to ease daz suffering or our pain but just knowing you are all here really does mean alot. I hurt so much and want daz well but it's not gonna happen and theres nothing we can do! Just make you feel so bloody useless! Thanks again for everything Love and hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Oh Mel you have'nt offended or upset anyone, we all know what you are going through and look how I used to rant and rave - well still do, still in a black hole but hopefully one day I will escape from it, but dont you go worrying about me, you just concentrate on that lovely man of yours and make every day special. I wish now that I had written Rob some poems, I used to all the time in the first couple of years wish I had have done later on, but then again, did'nt have the time and was'nt in the right frame of mind so that really is a stupid thought but I wish I had done it, probably just so that he could read every day how much I loved him, and still do. Anyway sending you love, strength and courage and will always be here for you, you only have to IM me ok? Love u lots Lynne xxxxxx
MHM, there is no way you could offend any of us, we are here for you and understand how you wish it were different, if only it was......you just concentrate on any tiny good moment you now have, Daz's smile when he knows you are there with him, the clasp of his hand, everything.....look after yourself too, we all do care and wish we could be there with you too.....love, strength, courage and hugs..........
hey chickie leah Thank you so much sweetheart for your kind words. Thay really do help so thank you again. What a sweet chickie you are! Love and hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My dear chickie sue flat butty mophead mad woman Babe you shouldn't beat yourself up so much ! You are here for me and just knowing that gives me much comfort. You don't need to say anything sweet just knowing someone is listening means alot You have had a tough time yourself sweet and to still be here for me wow what a gal you are! I love you and thank you for everything Will always be here for you Love and hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My dear chickie Lynn Thanks babe you have given me an idea!!! I am gonna try and write to daz. I'm not much good at that sort of thing but i will have a go. I think it's a really good idea and made me feel a little more positive so thank you so much for telling me that. You have always been here for me and i will always be here for you too. I know you have struggles sweet and haven't been here very much but i do think of you everyday and am always holding your hand Remember friends are there forever The same goes to you if you ever need me just you shout and i will be there. Thank you for being so understanding i didn't want to offend anyone and when i re read my post i thought it was a bit harsh to say the least! I'm just not that good with words so struggle as to what to say, so i tend to just write what i feel and sometimes i think it all sounds a bit cruel. Thank you for everything my friend Love and big hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My dear chickie helen Thank you for the kind words and thoughts that you so lovingly send to me yet again! They mean so much and are a great comfort Love and hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Even bigger ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) for you mhm hun, sounds like you could really do with them at the mo, am sorry to hear how ill daz is at the mo babes xoxoxoxoxox
there are no words i can say to make you feel any better or to help you much babe, oh i wish there were!! you could never offend anyone with anything you say, this is the place to get everything off your chest, and we are here to listen to anything you need to say ok hun? you and daz are always in my thoughts, please give him a big hug and kiss from me X
love you dearly and sending you all the love in the world, and am holding you so very tightly and holding your hands from afar remember i am always on the end of the phone if you want to talk or anything ok babe, luv karen xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
