Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
Hey mamma mels and all buddys hope today has been kind to Daz,Michaela, Richard Gladwys, Schmoost, shell, shez , Donna and all, know our caz and Voaa have had a kind day much love kate xxxxxxxxxxxx PS feel like throwing my toys out the pram, how comes everyone new is called kate?, me needs a name change, I will leave it up to you, Know full well what Gladwys will be.......................looney kate lol, answers on a postcard please ......................
Ribs still agony, and hate winter so flying back to Portugal where its still 24..................
PS sorry Mels my team beat ya and broke your record of 4 and a half years, lol also soz Kaz and tree, you only scraped a draw ha ha
What a difficult time you are having, my heart absolutely goes out to you. I hope you can get some rest and a litle bit of food into you, to keep your strong. I am thinking of you and your lovely hubby and sending hugs x x
hey all my kind caring lovely chickies Thank you all so much for the kind messages they do mean a lot to me as i have said before and at the moment are much needed. Daz still not good the hospital have now said they are keeping him there for another 10 days now until all his radio has finished. He is still not breathing properly and when i asked if the radio will help this to one of the staff they said this is a progression of his disease and we have to expect his breathing to get worse even if radio helps! she said that he will get worse again. I feel tired devastated and so so alone! I can't sleep been just laying there looking at the ceiling with millions of thoughts running around my head. Why can't i switch off??????? I love daz and thought he was having radio to shrink his tumour and he would be well again. But today iv'e realised i'm kidding myself really. He's never gonna get better really is he? I want to break down and cry but no tears come. Guess i'm sort of numb really. All that keeps going around my head is "this is a progression of the disease!" It all seems so wrong. Daz was doing so well for a few months why has this happened? What have i done wrong? Am i not looking after him well enough? I just want him with me. I just want to hold him and never let him go. I just want everything to be ok. i float alone in this cruel universe. I have nowhere to go or anyone to see. I try so very hard to help daz fight this ugly thing inside him but nothing works Guess this disease is gonna have the last laugh! Words are pointless. What do they really mean? My daz, my beautiful daz why can't you be ok. Why do you drift further away from me as every day passes? What is the purpose of this ugly thing? Does it aim to consume all and everyone in it's path? Does it aim to eventually wipe us all out? I'm so sorry please forgive me i feel so depressed. Haven't felt like this in a long time. Everything just seems so wrong. PLEASE GOD DON'T TAKE DAZ I'LL DO ANYTHING!!!!!!! Will i get my answer? i doubt that very much Much love to you all and thank you for everything. I hope i can repay you all someday Love and hugs your very down MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I have no words of comfort just to say that we are here for you and your family holding your hand and sending massive cyber hugs your way.......................wish i couldsay something to make it better for MHM but we all love you Please dont question yourself you have done nothing wrong and nor as Daz............... thinking of you everyday holding your hand love and hugs chickie sue flat butty mophead madwoman xxxxx
Oh Mel, I am so so sorry that Daz is'nt good, I know where you are at the moment, and its not a nice place to be, you have done everything you can for Daz dont ever doubt that - if I had said that what would you say to me? so dont be thinking that. I know you want Daz with you and to stay with you, we all do, and did, and that will never go away because we love them. I am so sorry you feel like this Mel, you have my number if you need me, any time day or night. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Daz and give him my love when you see him, tell him he has got to get better soon as I have been invited to "A party" - remember??? Love u both lots Lynne xxxxxxx
MHM, dear Mellymoo, there is NOTHING that you or Daz have done that is wrong, this disease is so s**t, it takes some of the best people I have known....but rest assured we are here for you and just want to hold your hand, give you a big hug, dole out the tissues when you need them and just give you a shoulder to lean and cry on, just be here for you.........there is nothing else that I can say, being here and wanting to help, feel so inadequate too.....but we do care......love and hugs.....
hey my chickie sue flat butty mophead mad woman Thank you babe i'm so very sorry if i have upset you or anyone else on here for that matter. That's no my intention at all and i truly am sorry. I know you and other people have lost loved ones and i feel bad writing what i did now. That was thoughtless of me and to anyone who i may have offended i truly am so very sorry and i hope you forgive me? Thank you for your support sweet. You are some very special lady and friend to me and for that i will be eternally grateful. I owe you alot. I hope you are okish sweet. I'm always here for you Holding your hand and sending big big hugs Love and hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
