Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
Thankyou for your lovely messages, they made me cry with the words and such loving support offered when you have your own woes!! It means so much, thankyou XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Well despite all Michaela is still in good spirits she is more down than anything at not being able to come home yet, when the 1st dr came round yesterday and explained about the results of the ct scan he then said he would try to hurry up the bone marrow results, 5mins later he came back in and asked if I could stay a while longer as the other dr was on her way up and wanted to see us, that's when I thought 'shit' somethings wrong!! She explained to us that the bone marrow isnt working and although stabilised its still not good enough and that in conjunction with what the scan showed they were looking at another posssible cause Michaela, bless her so bravely came right out with the question 'have I got leukimia?' that was ruled out from the very 1st test which is then when she explained about the lyphoma, since last July Michaela has been trested 3 times with AB's for 'viral infections' and she said that if this nasty thing is what she's got then them viral infections could have been the start and that she was obviously more poorly than dr's thought!! They rile me so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, like diagnosing dad with sciatica when it was infact the spread to his spine and crushed vertabrae. She explained that if it is this then they would give her a course of intense chemo which she then tried to explain about I stopped her and said didnt need explaination as had lost dad 7week ago so we know about chemo, she knew about dad as Michaela had told her previously.
We had a cuddle after she left and Michaela had a bit of a cry, she said things like what about going to Uni and her driving test which she was due to take this coming Monday, I told her not be silly she prob just has a very severe viral infection through having several in the past, all the studying she has been doing, hardworking at college and at work (she work's in a shoe shop p/t) and the stress and loss of her beloved grandad, Ive told her that when she gets home she is grounded til she 18 for all the worry she has put us through if it not so serious, I told her she could still go for her weekly ice blast at KFC with her best friend and that her going out is limited to once a month - I made her laugh so it stopped her crying!!
I came out of there shaking (feels like I havent stopped since) and I knew then and now how Mum and Dad used to feel and yourselves, bloody hard when it anyone but my baby, reckon we've really p'd him up there off!!! Anyway I called her dad and then mum, she left work bless her as she couldnt concentrate and she came round mine, she wanted a cuddle!! but like she said if it is what they think then as with dad we'll get through it again, bless her last night she even said if it came to it she would give up work and she loves her job. Michaela had quite few visitors last night, me and mum, her bessie mate, Angie, her dad and step mum and she was in good spirits again, they were all taking the p out of me as I have to wear the duck mask again and then Angie came in with her apron upside down so we did have a laugh yet again!!
Now it is the dreaded waiting game, another thing that is so annoying!! I have never wanted a day to come round so quickly and sods law the week will drag!! It's funny cos I felt last week that I was starting to grieve for dad slightly that's gone now and I just feel numb and on autopilot (if that the right word) which mum said is normal but I feel abnormal lol!!
Anyway to both of you again, thankyou for all your kind and loving words, offers and support, I was going to say that you're 'invaluable' but not sure if that the right word lol!!or does that been useless??!! I thought that was a word that kind of meant 'one in a million' I hope it is but if it not I hope you know what I mean!!
Well karen I hope your bug is going or gone!! and the training still going well? Hope you have a good weekend honey XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Mel, how's you, daryll, daley and kirsty? Hope all well and that you enjoy your weekend, I will p/m my address, thats kind of you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Well sending lots and lots of love and hugs to both of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
If this disappears Im going to launch this and kick something very hard!!!
Oh, Teresa, you are having such a tough time, what with first your Dad and now your girl... I just want you to know I'm thinking of you, it's so tough with a child.....love to you and her.....keep me posted with the results, i unfortunately know about Lymphoma....
i hope you managed to get some sleep last night hun. you are going through so much shit mate and my heart is breaking for you, as mel said we are all huddled together to give you all the love and strength to try and help you. i hope our michaela is still in good spirits today bless her heart. we are all thinking about you the whole time, and hope this coming week brings you some good news as you deserve some.
keeping you in my thoughts, sending tons of love and hugs love chicky karen xxxxxxxxxx
hi mama hen mel hope your feeling a bit better now hun, and that you have had a good rest, and hope chest pains are easing. love to your darryl, daley and kirsty. speak very soon lots of love and hugs chicky karen xxx
hi chicky kate hope you are ok hun, and hope our duracell bunny is doing ok today. are you going on your shopping trip today? speak very soon lots of love and hugs chicky karen xxx
Shopping trip cancelled as mums tired and sleeping, just read back, and oh my god,
Dear Teresa i cant believe what I have just read, I am in shock and feel sick to my stomach, so forgive me if these words dont come out right, I pray theyve got it all wrong, oh babe I am lost for words, it cant be true, Like the girls say we will all be here for you, Michaela and the family, Whatever happens you can count on us and like our sweet mother hen Mel says you are a strong lady and Michaela is obviously a chip off the old block, wish we all lived near each other, would love to give you a hug in person, you are probably at the hospital now babe, hopefuly when you are back later it will of sunk in and I will be able to type more sense, Tonnes and tonnes of love Kate xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Karen, Mel You about? In fact balls to it, think I need a stiff drink be right back xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi, Karen, we await phone call requesting lift back from station.... she spent yesterday teaching at Trinity Coll of Music, and last night at a fancy dress party! (Cruella De Ville!) Since the day was long by her standards, the said phone call could well be tonight!
Sorry you had to cancel shop trip, hopefully duracell bunny will pick up in time to do it next week, how is she??
That bloody james blunt song has just come on anyway thankyou so much babe for your lovely message, I hope you didnt think I hadnt included in telling you about Michaela (cant remember if I addressed to you with Karen and Mel, if didnt I didnt mean it at all I will check later) I had tears when you said about the hug in person!! and as for the stiff drink had a few of them last night, well stiff just a few glasses of red with lemonade. Not going up the hospital till later this eve as Michaela's step family on her dads side are going to see her and there's a lot of them plus my mum and Angie again and sometimes there are too many in her room plus I have to wear the duck mask again (which doesnt bother me and not why Im not going till later) and I get the p ripped out of me lol!! I chase her friend round her room as she she cant look at me without laughing and it freaks her out, Michaela always telling me I should act my age and not my shoe size lol!!, small feet only a 4 perhaps I really have got the 2 mixed up!! She is still in good spirits though getting tired because of all the visitors plus being in bed for so long, they are going to give her another blood transfusion tomorrow or monday so hopefully that will boost her somewhat and dependant on the outcome of next week she'll be out of there soon, I have never wanted a day to come round so quickly!!
Well honey I hope you enjoy your weekend and you, mum and dad are all ok??
Sending you all lots of love and hugs Teresa XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
