My partner was diagnosed with initially stage 2 breast cancer, should have been a lumpectomy. Further scans was a bigger lump with mastectomy required, a auxiliary lymph node clearance then to come chemo and radiotherapy. She has had the mastectomy, reconstruction, lymph. Next is chemotherapy, she has been so strong throughout, dare I say it inspirational in her determined and pragmatic outlook on this.
Trouble is now she has reached breaking point, her words i have done enough. The chemotherapy she starts NYE, she doesn't want to deal with it.
She isn't taking her anti depressants, she isn't opening up and she genuinely wanted too end it all last night... she didn't but if we didn't have children I believe she would have..
We talk but I'm not going through it so what say makes no difference
she has refused counselling before, hoping when she has her picc line 30th dec she will say something. But I doubt it. I don't know how to get her to seek hel0 or help her more than I am.
I have dealt with her depression for almost 14yrs and we have found a way as partners, I know bad, this is something else and beyond and im scared
Any advice on how I help her through this would be so so appreciated
Hi Adam
I am sorry to hear that your wife is struggling at the moment. I can understand how concerning it must be for you.
My own cancer was different to your wife's cancer and I remember getting through the surgery and feeling that I just did not want to deal with the chemo. Once I had got through the chemo and faced radiotherapy, I just felt I wanted treatment to be over and felt there was no way I could get to the end of 25 sessions of radiotherapy. I still felt rough from the chemo and had simply had enough.
It sounds like your wife is perhaps in a similar position where she has been through a lot of really challenging treatment and the idea of now facing chemo is perhaps the last straw for her. For myself chemo was a frightening treatment to face. Do you feel it is the chemotherapy itself that she is worried about or is it that she has just had enough generally? Both are understandable.
Chemo can be hard but I found it doable. There can be side effects but on the whole mine were managed with medication. Is there a side effect she is particularly worried about? I know for me hair loss was a big worry, however I did scalp cooling so was able to keep some of my hair.
How does she feel about you speaking to her cancer nurse specialist/breast cancer nurse? Would it be an option to contact them before the picc line- even to say that you are concerned about how she is feeling and whether they can talk to her?
I can understand your concern that she is not taking her anti depressants at the moment. I wonder whether this too may be affecting how low she is feeling. You mention that she has had depression for 14 years now. Has she got any sort of crisis plan or numbers to contact if her mental health is declining? Would she let you speak to her nurse regarding whether any counselling/support could be offered.
It is also important that you get some support for yourself too. I know my own cancer and cancer treatments were tough on those around me.
Do you think she would give the Macmillan Support Line a call tomorrow? They are there from 8am-8pm daily and it may help to talk to someone else. I know for me sometimes it was harder to talk about how I felt to those closest.
You could also give the Support Line a call yourself to talk things through. They can also have a look in your local area to see if there is any support for you as a family. I wonder if there may be a Maggies centre near you.
Something that helped me before chemo was that I had a phone call from the chemo unit and talked through what would happen on the day. The same nurse who phoned me also met me at the door and checked in on me regularly throughout the day. It may help your wife if she was able to talk through the chemo. For me I felt reassured by the phone call and felt I would be able to give it a go.
You mention that you feel your wife is having thoughts of harming herself. I can understand how upsetting this is. Please do give NHS111 a call 24 hours a day and they are able to offer support when someone is in crisis.
If you click on the link below there is also some other numbers that may be of use.
I am really sorry that you are going through this as a family. Please do give the Support Line a call tomorrow.
Jane
