I'm 22, go to uni, living in Tokyo and my mom got diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer last year October 17th, 5 years left to live.
I was taking a gap year, fearless and trying entrepreneurship for the first time because I had nothing to lose and wanted to try new things while I was young.
But a few months into the gap year suddenly I had everything to lose: my mom. And everything came crashing down. I stopped my entrepreneurship journey, quit my part time job, quit my dance club, and when I realized, I had nothing left in me. All of my drive, my spark, gone. Because everything I had been doing to achieve -financial success and helping others and making a better society- it just stopped being worth it if I didn't have her in my life.
I quit my part time job because it was taking so much time away from her and was having suicidal ideations, my project because I didn't not want to be my best self around her and the entrepreneurship was giving me stress 24/7 that I just thought it wasn't worth it. If I wanted to, I could try it another time later down my life etc etc...
My gap year ended, and I'm now back in school for my first semester for my third year of uni. But I am so depressed. I have so many days and nights where I am suicidal, probably due to the thought of losing the person that is most important to me and not seeing the want to live in a world where she doesn't exist anymore.
I am thinking of taking another gap year to make money either by interning or doing part time and traveling to places mom wants to go while she can and spending more time with her. But even that I am second guessing. A friend told me I'm losing myself and letting this consume my life and that she was worried I was going to lose balance. But I'm just thinking she doesn't get it, and that I should prioritize the time I have with her fully without caring what other people says.
