Advice for young person

Hi Knittinggirl3b2985 

Welcome to the family and friends group. I am Steve and my expereince of cancer is via my wife who has Leiomyosarcoma.

Something I really remember from my early days was a Christmas where I felt like I was divorced from the world where everyone seemed to be full of joy while I was really worried about what the future might hold.

Some time later at work I was talking about my wife's cancer and after there were quite a few people who came to talk to me who were similary affected. There is quite a good book I found the secret C - straight talking about cancer by Julie Stokes that was quite helpful.

Something I find quite helpful is looking at your feelings when someone has cancer as being able to recognize these emotions and accept them as normal and valid I find helps to make them just a little less overwhelming.

Do share on here whenever but if you find you want to talk you are welcome to ring the helpline or if face to face works best my go to is our local Maggies though other support organisations are our there and we have a tool in your area that can help find somewhere near you.

<<hugs>>.

Steve

Hi there,

I just want to start by saying you’re not selfish at all. Grief can come in many forms, and it’s completely normal for you to be feeling all these feelings, grieving the opportunity of a lifetime you had, the carefree & independent life you had, as well as the anticipatory grief of possibly losing your mum. There are a lot of emotions to process. 

I’m a little older than you (I just turned 30) but I felt similar with my mum’s diagnosis. I was just about to put an offer on a property with my partner the day after my mum was diagnosed but had to abandon those plans as I couldn’t bear the thought of moving out when my mum needed me so much. Turning 30 is a transitioning year for a lot of people and I felt as though everyone else around me was going through exciting and happy transitions of buying a house, getting married, having a baby while the transition I faced was the illness & possible loss of the person I treasure the most. I was thrust into a caregiving role when I’ve only ever been carefree young adult going on holidays, parties and generally just enjoying my late 20s so I can imagine it it’s even more difficult in your early 20s, which are seen as even more carefree years. I had to delete social media for a while cause my jealousy & resentment was too hard to bear. 

The only advice I can give is to accept your emotions & try not to be hard on yourself for grieving the life you had before your mum was diagnosed. That doesn’t mean you’re making it about yourself or that you love your mum any less.

It really sucks to be missing out on a trip you were very excited about, I think what can help is to remember that you will be able to travel again, or find yourself on a trip of a lifetime again, and that having to step away from that now doesn’t mean it’ll never happen again for you. If it’s possible and you’re working maybe start putting aside money for a future trip, even if it’s small as it may help to know you’re still working towards a trip in the future. It’s good that you’re engaging in hobbies, and also good you’re reaching out to online support groups like here as you’ll find others in a similar positions, and that can help to not feel as alone.

Sending all my love and wishing you and your mum all the best xx 

Hi There,

I am sorry to hear this. It really sucks having to give up your freedoms and having no routine or support form those your own age around you. At the same time as feeling like one shouldn't feel those things because it might takeaway from the focus on the ill loved one. 

You are not alone, I am also in my 20s and have had to give up work to be the main carer for my Mum. I find it hard  having no routine or agency to do what I want; the focus always being on what my mum needs. It feels like being trapped and close to losing the plot.  Also, friends don't understand when i talk about it, leaving silences or not asking questions about my life now;  I come away from conversations  feeling more isolated and alone. 

Hello!

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis. The news is devastating, and being a young person navigating this is hard and confusing on so many levels. All of your emotions are valid and matter, and well done for reaching out and getting these off your chest. Are you able to be candid and talk about these emotions with any family members? This can help if you have family members you trust as they are also in the situation, as opposed to friends that mean well, but if they've never experienced a cancer diagnosis, may not quite know what to say or how to offer support.

My mum was diagnosed (with a different type of cancer) in April and none of us ever truly knew many details about her cancer, as she didn't want to know. I am in my late 20s, and found it incredibly difficult navigating caring for my mum while also trying to excel in my new career path (I got the job a year prior and really want things to work!). After a complication we recently lost her. It's amazing how the grieving starts long before losing a parent, and can shop in so many ways and emotions that may have gone unnoticed of misunderstood at the time. I will say that although it was the most stressful time of my life, I do not regret giving up opportunities and events as I now feel so blessed to have had the time with her. Thats not to say I felt that way at the time, but im glad I was fully present. 

This journey is so unique for everyone, but know you are not alone. I wish you all the best for you and your family. You are incredibly brave and strong. 

Hi! 
Thank you so much for your lovely response and I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. Recently the clouds lifted a little and I felt more clarity that I left Aus to come home for my mum, that being said for the time being it will always be difficult especially when you lay awake in the middle of the night thinking. As you said , it’s funny how grief will arrive so early on the process and will most likely remain with us for the rest of our lives. As you’ve probably experienced with friends/ relatives it’s very hard to explain  complex emotions if they’ve never lived it, so I arrived at the conclusion that not everyone will understand it and that’s okay because there will be those who do. 

Sending you and your family love on your journey forwards X