Fifteen years ago I watched my dad go through multiple bouts of chemo and radiotherapy after being told he had 3 months to live. He went through trials and lived in hospital for over a year. We had to prepare for the chance nothing would work and it would be the end but thankfully it all paid off and he’s still with us. But preparing yourself to accept your father is going to die at such a young age is so hard.
Now 15 years on my mum has aggressive pancreatic cancer and has been told it can’t be treated and she has 6months left. She been given meds for her pain and to help with the panic attacks and anxiety however these are so strong she can’t get out of bed. She’s deteriorating so fast in front of our eyes. I don’t know how to ease her pain or make her feel better. I’m not ready to accept she’s dying. I feel selfish living my life whilst she’s living on borrowed time. For some reason watching mum go through this is so much harder than it was watching dad. Dad is struggling with the roles being reversed and doesn’t want to accept any help. How do you come to terms with it all? And to top it off my sister has had a stroke this week, at 27!
will the pain get easier? Will the tears ever stop? It feels as though my world is falling apart and that makes me feel guilty as I’m not the ones who are sick!
I’m so so sorry.
I know there are not many words I can say to ease the pain. Having to watch one family member go through cancer is already extremely difficult, let alone multiple family members. My sister passed away from cancer a couple of years ago, and my mum was diagnosed with advanced cancer earlier this year, a month after my estranged father passed away. It can be difficult when it feels like everything is compounding on top of each other. I can also relate to the experience with my mum feeling the most difficult.
Every feeling you’re feeling is absolutely valid. Even though my instinct is to tell you you shouldn’t feel guilty as everything you’re feeling is normal, that is also a very normal reaction.
You’re likely experiencing anticipatory grief and the only thing you can do is make space for your feelings, cry, scream if you need to, because it is devastating processing the shock & pain of a loved one’s diagnosis especially when it’s paired with difficult news from doctors that they may not have much time left. If professional therapy is an option for you, I’d recommend it as it can be helpful to have a space to release all your emotions without having to worry about how it might affect the other person.
I’m sending all my love to you and your family 
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