Husband's Cancer Diagnosis

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Hello

My husband has recently been diagnosed with rectal cancer, it's all happened extremely quickly, from start to the first operation was a matter of a month! Unfortunately we got the news this week that the margins weren't enough when they removed the tumour, so he needs another operation in two weeks so they can assess what to do next.

My husband has a very black and white attitude, so much so, that even the consultant was taken back by how he took the news. 

When he was first told it was cancer he apologised to me, which was silly as it wasn't his fault and I said that. I explained that I was there for him no matter what.

Obviously when you hear that word your mind thinks of the worse case scenario, but his cancer has been caught early, it hasn't spread and no lymph nodes are involved, which is positive.

He isn't talking to me about it, I know he's protecting me, but it's making it hard.

I lost my mum to cancer when she was 63, she had it for 9 months and it wasn't a nice cancer to experience either, I know none of them are, but this once was horrific, I don't think I've ever truly dealt with what happened as I had to be strong for everyone else.

My way of coping is to go into "mum" mode, I need to be strong for the kids, even though they're 27 and 30, I still feel protective towards them.

How do you cope when you want to cry, scream, shout? 

  • Hi  

    Welcome to our community though sorry to hear about your husband. You might be surprised at how common your experience is of the patient seemingly taking things in their stride while the loved one breaks up. I know how I seemed to cope for ages until I didn't but when I finally reached out I found so many people wanting to help.

    I found some of the advice in your feelings when someone has cancer quite helpful, being able to recognize the emotions and accept them as valid can help to make them less overwhelming. I did a living with less stress course that helped me to appreciate what we have now rather than worrying about a future I had no control over. The conscious breathing exercises were great for when we get the next bit of news but also for helping me to relax.

    <<hugs>>

    Steve

    Community Champion Badge

  • Hi Sharon,  My husband was diagnosed in May… he been through some chemo and is heading for life changing surgery on Monday.  My husband is exactly like yours … trying to protect me as he doesn’t want to hurt me.  I got an apology too.  I am just trying to keep busy … take each day as it comes.  Big hugs Hugging  Stay strong x

  • Where doi find out about the courses? Thank you for your reply 

  • Hi  

    The course I did was organized by Maggies though there are a number of others available. 

    If you felt it might be helpful you could also talk to cruse or the loss foundation about how your mothers cancer might be having an impact on you.

    <<hugs>>

    Steve

    Community Champion Badge

  • I'm so sorry you going through this it is difficult and an emotional rollercoaster.

    I have ugly cry sessions. Sounds strange but that's what I call them. I can usually feel the build up and then I just sob and sob for about 30 minutes. Usually once a week or sometimes more depending on how he is doing. I also take a pillow and just scream into it. You feel a release. Keeping it in isn't good so I decided to cry, scream and shout but in a safe space. 

  • Hi thanks for sharing … I’m in a similar position my mum is currently being treated for cancer had a total hysterectomy then radiotherapy next week she commences chemotherapy.

    then my husband was diagnosed with rectal cancer into his anal canal … he apologised as didn’t want to tell me due to supporting my mum Cry

    I try not to cry in front of my husband as he’s all very much let’s get on with it … he’s choose 25 treatments of radio and chemo tablets with a 1 in 4 chance of not needing surgery this terrifies me xx 

  • It's tuff. Just remember to look after yourself. We have been fighting this for over a year and I thought that I was ok. I carried on working and tried to pretend everything was ok. Inside I was petrified all the time. I landed up with severe anxiety. We have no family in the UK and it's just the three of us. It's so so scary and I still have days of disbelief. Finished our third treatment with an inconclusive response. We have to wait  He is looking better as he is recovering from the treatments but he is in pain and his bloods are up and down. The uncertainty is what I'm coming to terms with. My husband is very matter-of-fact about it all. It's a journey and you never prepared to see someone you love suffer through treatment. I rejected the offers for help from friends because I didn't want to look like I wasn't strong and just worked and tried to balance everything. I'm reaching out more and speaking to people more. Looks like he will probably need surgery as the site where the tumor is/was is causing pain and he can't really eat much. Trying to just keep going and learning that it's ok to not be ok. You love someone so much and for you it's both your mother and partner so it must be so so difficult. Seeing someone you love in pain and fighting to survive is scary. Sending you a big hug and please get support and lean on people.

  • Thank you for your reply, it is hard and you’re right trying to smile and Juggle isn’t easy.

    Being strong is hard isn’t it but I’ll keep going as I’m sure you have and will try and reach out.

    Thanks again means a lot