I’m very fortunate to be a part of a very close-knit family. Myself and my brother are in our early twenties, still living at home with our parents.
The doctors found a tumour in my dad’s bladder after he had what he thought was a urine infection - they found the tumour in July and was scheduled in for surgery at the start of August. All our worst fears came true when we got the biopsy results and the tumour was found to be cancerous. I think we blindly thought it would be ok after a couple of surgery’s and we would be able to move on with our lives.
Following his diagnosis - the doctors pushed for him to start chemo asap as the cancer has already spread through the muscle wall. He will have 4-6 cycles followed by radiation therapy, and at that point the doctors will assess whether the tumour has been beaten back enough or if he needs major surgery to remove his bladder.
I have been trying to keep active, going to the gym with my boyfriend who has been amazingly supportive. But my mum doesn’t have an outlet like I do and it’s making me feel guilty for leaving the house as I know she is seeing Dad degenerate with each day that passes. He is really struggling to eat, sleep and even talk, and ends up watching TV at all hours of the day as he doesn’t have the energy to do anything else. He even had the TV on at night. It’s becoming hard to watch and sometimes it feels better being away from him but then I feel unbearable guilt about not spending time with him whilst I still can, not knowing if he is going to survive this experience.
I feel like my world has been torn apart because I am so close with my family and my dad is genuinely my hero. But I don’t know how to process these feelings or what I can do to help my mum or dad through this time. I’m trying my best but it never feels like enough.
I’ve just spent the last hour in a bit of a mess crying. So I’m sorry if this doesn’t make much sense. I just want to know if anyone has any recommendations of how to deal with these emotions and how to support my mum and dad.
Hello bee12, and to your brother too
As a mum (with cancer) of 3, 20 somethings, the best advice I can give you both is to do your thing. Even if yous feel guilty, it is a natural emotion when yous have so much turmoil going on. I love seeing the smile on my daughter’s face when she’s been to the gym, or the boys raiding the fridge if they come in starving from being a cycle or been to the pub.
It all adds normality to my day, being a parent is the best job in the world. I’m guessing yours will say the same. Your mum will want to be there for you all, and it sounds like both your parents have done a decent job bringing yous up especially as you both still live at home. Your mum will probably want to protect yous from everything that is going on with your dad and take the brunt of the emotional pain.
It will help you both if yous have time of normality, to decompress and feel as good as yous possibly can under the circumstances. Your parents will feel your strength and benefit from knowing that yous are doing ‘ok’ enough.
It’s great that your boyfriend is supportive, don’t feel bad for being out and about. For me, it’s the simple things like getting a cuppa made for me that makes my day - my sis sometimes takes my washing and returns it all clean & dry which makes my life so much easier.
2 out of 3 of my gang like to know what is going on so we do talk about it openly. One of the boys has Asperger’s and he doesn’t talk about it much as he gets overwhelmed, but he asks very direct questions now and again, and I answer them honestly and that works for us. He doesn’t do hugs but the odd time I do get a pat on the back.
Sometimes we don’t talk at a lot about cancer, I don’t hold it in but prefer to chat at a support group or on this forum. I feel its harder for the family than being the one with cancer. Sometimes we don’t talk but a huge hug and lots of them goes a long way.
Sorry that my post is quite long but my last bit of advice is to cry when you need to and for however long you need too and it’s ok to cry in front of each other.
hugs to you all xxxx
