Supporting my Husband

Hi GailH_123welocme to the forum. Im imagining that he is scared a bit and it has knocked any trajectory of how he thought life was going to pan out for you both. Its  not what he had planned, nor asked for so he will be feeling so angry and sad and a whole lot of different emotions Im sure going round in his head.  Do you think he would speak to someone like a Counsellor?  

Hi, thank you for your reply, just like he’s shutting me out l, he finishes chemo Monday, this last one been the worse by far, and will I ever get him back, I understand he must be scared, just feel on my own with it, see how next few days go xx

I am so with all you ladies. My husband of 50 years is not the pre cancer man before he was chilled layed back a very much live and let live. Now he is moody clingy gone all old fashioned and moral mood swings. I am so glad I found this I hope it can become my place to rant without judgement 

My husband is only 43 and has been diagnosed with bladder cancer. He is currently having chemotherapy before an operation to remove his bladder and prostate. I think most men in general find it hard to talk about their feelings and their worries and fears show themselves by being quiet, grumpy and shutting people out. Our relationship as a couple has changed completely. I don’t know how to be around him and feel like I’m treading on egg shells not wanting to say or do the wrong thing. My husband had a holistic assessment arranged by our fabulous MacMillan nurse, but he refuses to engage with any counselling. He’ll discuss the facts of his diagnosis and treatment but anything else his defensive wall comes up. I am accessing counselling, signposted to me from MacMillan online chat. My hope is that I can get answers to my questions, advice and guidance from the counselling that I can subtly feed back to my husband to indirectly help him and us a couple. They may not always talk but most listen and you may see this in subtle changes to their behaviour when you do speak up. 

Hi Ladies ,

I am feeling the same. My 56 yr ,old husband was diagnosed with a T3 kidney cancer 14 days ago and awaits surgery . I am juggling finishing off a major house renovation , insurance claims for cancelled holiday , making POA and wills and supporting the three young adult kids we have along side his nutritional and well being . Overnight he has started to listen to me re diet ( for years he ate badly) and I am using a meal prep service atm as i have no kitchen for 2 wks .

he is normally chilled and laid back and doesnt really talk about feelings anyway - I am the opposite and chat to anyone about everything ... I do worry about suppressed emotions and how he is feeling .He is deflated and quiet and onviously contemplative . We can discuss plasterers and building works, policies and making arrangements vert matter of fact like- but when i ask how he is i always get - yeah fine . he cant be fine .I would love to organise a counsellor for him too but not quite sure how to go about it and I dont want to "control" him I want him to have autonomy but as I have alsways looked after everyones health/medical and emotional welfare for the family he is expecting me to and I am happy to but writing this is making me realise I need to just sit him down , step back and ask him what he wants and how he feels .. I know he has messaged some of the family asking them to keep an eye on me - but i feel we are all worrying about each other ! lol .. time for a family meeting maybe .

Hi all you lovely ladies.  I am a married woman who is recovering from breast cancer treatment and am having to admit to myself that I have put my husband through exactly what you are all describing and feeling!  For me it was a mix of wanting to protect him from the absolute storm I had going on emotionally and also fearing that if he also became distressed I just wouldn't be able to cope with that and so I closed down and shut him out.   We are getting there slowly and the starting point was indeed being asked what I wanted and needed..... and finding the courage to ask him for help.  Thank goodness I did.  You are all amazing and I hope that your kindness and sensitivity filters through, in time.  We all need each other!

Yes I completely agree with you all!

I’ve been with my husband nearly 20 years, young children, pets (lots) and keeping the household going, whilst navigating all these emotions.

My husband seems to be the same as you all describe, not himself at all. He is young and seems to resent me, thinking that I will be moving on as soon as our worst fears come about

i feel that I am constantly defending myself and it’s exhausting. I want to reassure him but then it just goes around in circles and I feel defeated and emotionally beaten again. 
He also seems to have these irrational ideas, like maybe we should divorce or he should take a week alone abroad to ‘sort his head out’ all of which I find hurtful and for no reason at all.

Next thing I know, he’s adoring and says he doesn’t know what he was thinking but it still really hurts and at the time like he’s just pushing me away.

Through all of this I get frustrated that he doesn’t appreciate that I will be here picking up the pieces and raising our children when the time comes. He just says it’s not me it’s happening to….but I’m still going through it with him!

Its assuring to know that it’s not just us and we need to remember that our feelings are valid and take time for ourselves.

Stay strong everyone and lastly I think it’s good to vent without judgement as it helps to know we are not alone in this x

so glad i was made aware of this forum, was currently on the breast cancer one from masectomy october last year, then recently joined the oesophagus cancer forum in july this year after difficulting swallowing, couldnt believe it, talk about deja vu, this was our up  yours cancer year, maybe next year, so good to read both sides of this conversation, as the cancer person, so angry, so worried, and this new one makes me feel so ill compared to the breast cancer.  always just been me and husband, married nearly 30 years,  met 1994, this new diagnosis has just put me on my knees and him.  after the op thursday to put in feed tube and laparoscopy, cancer is no where else thank god, so the chemo and radiotherapy journey starts again then surgery.  he got me to all the breast cancer appointments, and we sort of dealt with it all.  my biggest meltdown was finding clothes to wear when the weather got nicer, he made me feel my lop sided look was still beautiful, we still went out, socialised, ate out, with this new one, not an option.  we have snapped at each other, mentioned sell the house, hes gone to bed early, i started to like the alone time, only since watching the documentary of kris who started cop a feel charity, and taking a breathe, then talking calmly, that we realised how precious time is, still have panicky moments when trying to flush out the food tube, go from 0 to 100% arsey and angry, but after reading the posts above, feel so bad, never felt this needy before, we have both just tried to turn down the cancer dial, think once the treatment starts, we will feel we have a purpose again, and on the path to get shot of this little so and so

one close friend said its your cancer, your body, but actually its not, its ours and i think after being so positive/in denial, just getting on with the surgery and appointments, for the masectomy, it really shook him how crap i dealt with this new journey.  the food thing is a massive thing, but we sort of realise its the start of getting through this. just bought a 2025 **** it diary for us and a friend whose just going through an oral cancer journey with her husband, on the good days will make plans for next year, on a day like today, pull my dressing gown tighter and watch some crap tv together.

sending love and hugs to you all , although i know none of you, what a tight, honest, lovely club this is.  has helped husband neil reading the posts previous, he wasnt comfortable reading anything which frustrated me so much as i didnt want him to walk into some of these really deep meetings with his head in the sand.

think we all deal with this in different ways, but my god those wedding vows back in 1997 have never been more poignant.

thank you all for sharing and the wise words above, jules x