Difficult feelings as a wife

Hi CB76 

Sorry to hear about your husband. if we look at your feelings when someone has cancer I certainly see a checkbox of some of the things I wnet through. 

There is also quite a good blog on coping with anticipatory grief, often than can be of course the loss of the life we have planned.

I ended up doing a living with less stress course that really helped me. A key element was learning to appreciate what we have in the here and now. Another key element was around conscious breathing that can really help when life decides to throw us the next curve ball but can be really helpful in relaxing too.

In some ways cancer has brought my wife and I closer together, where we talk about problems without the other feeling they somehow have to fix them.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi CB76,

you are so not alone, I am in the same boat as you! My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago too at 48.  The first few months were tough with chemo and then surgery and then we thought all was well, then bang slapped down again at 1st surveillance being told he had liver and lung mets. More chemo and hooray it had worked sufficiently for resection, then slapped down again at repeat imaging prior to surgery and it’s grown again! 
it’s the constant rollercoaster of having a bit of normality then being smacked back down again breaks me. 
Each time it reminds me that in all honesty I am likely to be on my own by the time I’m 50, and I feel so bitter and angry that this is actually the new normal for us and the sad truth is it will only get worse.
I am so sorry that turned into a bit of a rant from me there, when I was trying to reassure you that the feelings you are describing I guess are valid. It’s hard to remember that we matter in all of this too, especially when  all everything wants to know is how they are doing!  Keep going, and I find it very useful to come here and connect when things are tough, it reassuring to know that we are not  going mad or are heartless and selfish, in fact I think it’s all part of the anticipatory grief process. Sending you much love, again sorry for ranting ! 

How are things going? Came across your post even though it was from a while ago and relate so much to what you wrote… so you are definitely not alone. Although I can’t say I have any helpful advice.

My husband is currently going through cancer treatment after a diagnosis earlier this year. He is only 40 and I always took for granted that we would grow old together. I am grieving the loss of that… even if we are lucky enough that we do get the all clear at some point I don’t feel like I will ever have that again… there will always be the worry that it will return and the assumption the at some point I will be alone. Like you I find myself distancing myself from my husband in an attempt not to rely on him so much… I feel like that started because I didn’t want to worry him with my negativity, then progressed to me taking on more parenting and home responsibilities because the treatment is making him unwell… but now it is an unhealthy self-preservation mechanism! It’s like I’m trying to prove to myself that I don’t need him and can cope without him! Perimenopause is also not helping my already dodgy mental health any!

All I can say is I think this is a natural (if not very helpful) reaction. If you do find any helpful coping strategies please let me know! 

Hey there.

I came to the forum to try see if there was anything close to what I'm experiencing and this thread is as close as it gets.

My wife is now 3 years clear but the treatment has had devastating affects on her body, fog brain, fatigue, thyroid issues and triggering menopause.

I feel that my wife's body beat cancer, but cancer destroyed our marriage, our home.

Due to fatigue she's had to reduce her working days to 3 and spends most her time laying in bed. Trying to talk about it results in shutting down the conversation.

Where we use to have a shared approach to responsibilities toward the home and our son I'm find this is more and more on my shoulders.

I'm struggling with stress and mental health as I work full time and on getting home continously having to tidy, wash up, laundry, feeding our son, school runs, bedtime routines and generally trying to keep on top of everything.

There's no connection between us anymore, no affection or closeness and as this continues I find myself resentful and angry.

I feel so alone it's ridiculous.

Hi Thorsson 

Sorry to hear about your wife and the impact it is having on your family. Stress is very difficult and I ended up doing a living with less stress course that I found quite helpful.

Don't know if your employer offers and support with mental health, often there is some though it can be a little bit shallow in my experience.

One of the things I found when I opened up about my cancer experience was that there were quite a few colleagues who came to me to talk about what they had gone through too, there really are a lot of people out there who have been affected by cancer. You might also like to look at are you feeling lonely.

<<hugs>>

Steve

So sorry to hear how much you and your family are still suffering despite your wife’s “successful” treatment. I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling. I know my mental health is suffering and I’ve only had to deal with this for 6 months not years…

We have a 5 year old and a 7 year old and I work full time. I also have the added issue that me and my husband normally co-lead a team at work. So with him struggling with chemo side effects I have been left to pick up not only extra work load at home but also at work. I feel like I am constantly in survival mode barely keeping on top of things. There are times when all I want to do is collapse in a dark corner and cry but I’m desperately trying to hold everything together so I keep going and it’s hard not to feel some resentment towards my husband who gets to just nap on the couch or take himself off to rest whenever he needs to.

Have you been able to get any help with your wife’s health issues? It sounds like maybe you both could do with some mental health support… could it be possible that some of her physical symptoms are also being exacerbated by her mental health? 

Is there any family you could lean on a little to help? 

Hopefully coming on the forum at least makes you feel a little less alone and I hope you find some good days among grey ones.

Thank you Steve.

I have already exhausted the support through work, and as you say it wasn't really exploratory just an ear to rant at really. My six sessions are over and given a few months my anxiety and stress are back.

I'm currently in a new role with a new employer, they are aware of my situation but as for colleagues there are but 4 of us and we're tucked to one side in a depot. I'm not close enough to them to really share my burdens.

But I'll check out the links and notes you've suggested.

Thank you.

Thanks for responding.

I absolutely relate to your comment.

To answer your questions, I have asked and suggested that she really should see the GP again to see if medication needs changing or adapting which might improve things, but she refuses to go.

As for family that's a tricky one. Alot going on with my father which preoccupied my siblings time.

One of the hardest things to hear was my wife's comment when I was at the height of my own breakdown. She said she could see that I was struggling, but because of everything she was dealing with she had to distance from me for self preservation. This was following a time when our son got an infection when on holiday and she just walked away and went off with friends because she couldn't deal with our ill son when away from home. So in a way I literally can't rely or seek support from her.

The only time she's her normal self is in the mornings, but due to school runs or work I don't see her until the weekends. My new habit once she gets tired is to go on an adventure with the lad and just get out of the house, go into the city or a rural walk.

I had to turn down a work oppotunity in my dream job because I couldn't handle the workload with home stress. And as a result left that job, a job I loved, becausd the manager hired was aweful. I am now now working with new employer in similar role that's less stress. But I have lost all relationships I'd built up over 7 years. New role is also hour and half drive away.

And now I'm on propranolol to keep the panic attacks / anxiety under control.

I just feel undone.

Therapy taught me that I'm meant to accept our new norm. But it's hard to accept when it's so shit. It's hard to have a fulfilling life with my wife when I only see the person I married for 8-10 hours out of 168 per week.

Sorry rant over.

Hi Thorsson

It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. As someone who has suffered most of their life with depression I can definitely see some similarities between my periods of debilitating depression and your wife’s behaviour. It is unfortunately all too easy to end up in a place where despite the guilt you feel you are mentally completely unable to provide any support for anyone else. And I know strange as it sounds you can end up not even having any desire to get better. The problem is it is very difficult to help anyone out of that place if they won’t accept help. 

I think your tactic of trying to spend some quality time with your son and hopefully doing something to clear your own head when she is having a bad day is a good one. 

Getting decent mental health care in the UK is such a struggle. I lived for quite a while in New York and I had access to much better care there. I have found all the NHS counseling I’ve had since I returned a waste of time. I’m not sure the concept of you just need to accept the new norm is a helpful one at all! Yes we need to adapt to a new norm and find new coping strategies but that’s basically like saying your life is going to be shit forever just deal with it! But I have found coming on here and also talking to someone at our local Maggie’s center helpful. This forum is a great place to get things off your chest and just feel slightly less alone. 

Take care and no need to ever apologise for ranting!