Problems with distance

Hello MappaMundi I have just noticed your post and that you haven't had any replies - by me responding your post will be returned to the top of the forum and I hope be noticed by other Community members and you should receive some more replies.

I am so sorry to read of your "issues" - we did have family members in South Africa and to cover the distance we used the magic of modern technology to communicate - it was not possible to visit and in due course they returned home. We don't have to now but did spend far too much time travelling from Northern England to London and back - yes it's a grind - but we had to do it.

I am pleased to see you are feeling much better in yourself now - on my "dark days" when cancer and other issues are on my mind I think of my family and my grand -children and those two words the oncologist said to me "curative treatment".

I think you have made a cracking step in the right direction putting your thoughts down in this post - the Community is always here for you and there's always our helpline on 0808 808 00 00 (8am to 8pm 7 days a week) if you need that little bit of extra help.

I look forward to every new day as the rest of my life - the past is history - I can't change it - but I CAN make the future work for me - so can you.

Best wishes - Brian.

Hi MappaMundi 

I'm sorry to read of your relatives ill health and the problems with distance and visits. I think Millibob 's suggestion re technology is great. This type of "visit" was used for patients in hospital during COVID.

I just wanted to add that although you've had counselling and that has helped, it may be wise for you to carry on with the techniques that you have learned yourself, self help, if you like. There are journals available to help with this, apps for meditation etc. If you can, block out the family baggage and concentrate on looking after yourself. I had to learn this the hard way, after being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Previously I had always put other people, in work and home, before myself. As the saying goes - if you don't make time for your wellness, you will be forced to make time for your illness.

Best regards to you and your family.

A x

Looking for the same answers! My dad is currently in hospital for a fall, but they have found a shadow on his lung and are very much suggesting its lung cancer. He's still waiting on scan results etc. He's also frail, unsteady and not really eating. 

We live near Newcastle and he's in the South West. I'm not in a position to relocate back to my family home but I'm pretty sure he's not going to be able to return there himself. It's becoming clear he can't manage stairs etc.

I don't know what to do from here. I'm full of guilt that I can't be there. 

Sending positive thoughts your way

Brian - thank you so much for your response. I am sorry to hear that you also experienced this. Yes, "it's a grind but you have to do it" sums it up. And it has to be worth it for the difference it does make (to us as well as them).  Thank you again, and also for the helpline resources, these are very much noted. 

Dear A

Thank you so much for this kind and wise response. I am sincerely sorry to hear of your own diagnosis, and I hope that the good days get you through the inevitable bad ones.

Actually issues of putting others before myself and my own wellbeing were a primary focus of my work with the therapist. I have been attempting to do just that. "if you don't make time for your wellness, you will be forced to make time for your illness" sums it up perfectly. After all one can't look after others if you don't look after oneself. 

Thanks again, and my best thoughts for your own situation.

MM

Maggiemayhem, I am so sorry to hear you're in this position too.  The tech solution that Millibob refers to definitely helps. Actually yesterday we got back from visiting my wife's mum in ... Newcastle for her 90th birthday and had a video call with my mum in ... the south west.  Everyone was smiling after. I think our mums know that in the day to day our best is all we can do, and that we will be there when it matters most. 

I know none of this will be any help with the guilt you are feeling re your dad. However there is no perfect way to navigate this; and I do hope you manage to find the way through that works best for you.

MM

It's not a problem- when you have "been there - got the t - shirt"  you just know, some times that little bit of help can make all the difference.

I step back sometimes - I look at my journey and where I have been, I look at others and realise - I haven't been given a bad set of cards here - and if I can give back just that little bit - it's great.

I think "cancer in general" gives us all a "bond" and for me it's that that makes me do what I do - so best wishes - yes it's a "grind" but it's worth it for both parties - and I am in full agreement with my friend sistermoon - she's so right "make time for your own wellness". That for me says it all.

Kind regards - Brian