Hi,
I’m new here. I recently got close to a colleague who subsequently got diagnosed with breast cancer. She had surgery and has had two cycles of chemo. It’s such a long road - two more cycles of chemo, a break, then radiation.
This is my first close experience of cancer - for this I feel very lucky but also it’s hitting me exceptionally hard. She’s very private so I can’t help out in the way I’d like, such a visiting or dropping over meals etc. All I can do is send supportive texts but I also don’t want to be annoying or overbearing.
It really is consuming me. I think of all the people going through such hard times. I bounce between feeling guilty I can still live a normal life when she is so sick, to feeling grateful I am healthy and making an effort to do things I enjoy.
Chemo is really flooring her. It’s so unfair and I feel helpless. And then there is the forever fear of it coming back.
I completely understand all of these feelings are normal but I don’t think others seem to be taking it as hard.
This forum is an excellent resource. Sending everyone strength and love
Hello WildTea
It is hard when someone close to you is diagnosed with cancer and it is tough to watch them go through treatment. Being your first experience of cancer can also hit you hard and make you think about lots of things that maybe you have not thought about before.
Feeling guilty, overwhelmed, sad and helpless are normal reactions. Feeling up and down and all these changing in emotions is also very normal. Cancer takes away the feeling of control in our lives. Talking things through does help and I would suggest that the Support Line would be a good place to start. The details are below and they are lovely on there.
Having had cancer myself and also through supporting others I know that, although you may not feel it, that your friend will be very grateful that you care and are there in anyway to be supportive. You say that your friend is a private person and you have tried to be there in a way that she can cope- I know when I had my cancer, sometimes you do need to withdraw a bit into yourself and that this can sometimes be a coping strategy. You go through such a range of emotions yourself and are so occupied with the treatments and how they make you feel, you can at times have little energy to do much else. Sending texts is a great idea as she will know you are there for her and are thinking of her. It is not being over bearing or annoying- it is showing you care.
I would have friends that would text me once a day and just say things like thinking or you, do you need anything. And maybe say that you understand that she may not feel like replying or even chatting but you are there if she does want to talk things through. Sometimes some of the best texts I had were about things not related to cancer- that would be a small snippet of normalness and a sign of life in the big wide world.
Practical things would help me and sometimes an offer to pick up shopping, even if you leave it by her door, or get some delivered - may help. She may feel worried about picking up infections, sensitive about how ill she looks or just wrapped up in it all. It does not mean that she does not appreciate it.
Sometimes an offer to pick up prescriptions can be helpful and again you can leave by her door so she does not have to have visitors if it feels too much. When going through treatment your home can sometimes feel like your safe place.
I found as well small gestures really mattered. A card, some cancer care bits and bobs- so toiletries, magazine, some chocolate even. Dropping around a meal, for me that would have felt too much at the time- she is probably feeling nauseous and off her food. I found things like those little thin ginger biscuits, and maybe some boiled sweets better. Things that might encourage her to eat.
I found also offers of help such a transport to hospital were appreciated. Its sometimes not so much about what you actually do but taking care of practical things. It would take a lot of pressure off me if I knew people were there to help if I needed it and all I had to do was let them know.
I hope this helps and I wish your friend the best for her treatment. Do give the Support Line a call as it is important to look after yourself as well. I will also pop a link here that may also be of help.
Supporting someone with cancer | Macmillan Cancer Support
Take care
Jane
