Helpless. Afraid. Guilt.

Hi dodgyel, i am coming from both sides on this one. Firstly i am a mother, and i have secondary metaststic breast cancer. I put a brave face on for my son, and i dont tell him everything. Its what a good mother does and she seems that type of person as you have discribed her above. We dont want our children to worry we know it does not always work but what else can we do. So we choose not too share everything thats happening. Now from a daughters view point. When my mother was really ill in hospital i thought about taking time off work and spending more time with her to help. My mom talked me out of it and i am pleased she did, she said i need time away from her illness to speak and mix with others or her illness would become all consuming for me and she was correct. When we go to work it gives our brain just enough time to think of something else and we dont always see this. The nights are of course the worse time, when we are lying there mulling over the day. Try not to be so hard on yourself about the horrible things you remember saying once, because most parents dont remember those things. We remember the lovery times. If you feel to overwhelmed with it all please go and speak to someone, a sibling, friend, or family member. I had those thoughts when my mom was very ill i dont know why i had them it was silly really but our brains work in mysterious ways when we are stressed and anxious. I dont know if this helps, but take care Dawn x

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. My dad has terminal bowel cancer, the doctors prognosis has been "months rather than years", it's been 11 months now and I'm so grateful my dad is still here. At first I was tempted to take time off work or even quit my job to spend more time with my dad. Luckily my manager is very understanding, he let's me take unpaid leave when I run out of annual leave. So I've been taking lots of random days off work and half days to spend more time with my dad. Maybe that is something you can consider?

I'm the same, always ruminating about the past and wishing I had spent more time with my dad before his diagnosis, now our time together is limited. I'm always worried that today might be my dad's last day. It just shows how much we love our parents. It's heartbreaking to see them suffer. I put on a brave face in front of my dad because he's not type of person who talks about how they feel. I just work around his emotions and be there for him. I guess that's all we can do, to be with them, make them feel loved. We can't change the past, I tell myself to focus on the present moment and take a day at a time.

The Macmillan helpline is available. I was emotionally overwhelmed when my dad was first diagnosed and called them several times, they were super helpful. 

Sending a big hug and strength x

Hey dodgynel ,

I can really relate to what you’re going through, for a while my mum (who is going through chemo) was on these horrible anti-bitotic pills that gave her awful heart burn as well as other side affects, she is incredibly strong and brave but was clearly struggling with these pills and it would play on my mind all day while at school. We have now found an alternative for the pills and she is doing better. It’s so hard to get a grip on the anxiety, fear and frustration around the situation, sometimes I have to remind myself that it is natural to feel that way- we do it out of love. Even though I am very new to the forum, it’s clear that feeling worried, afraid and guilty is a shared experience for many family and friends. 

I hope you are finding ways to cope - you’re not alone! 
all the best X

Hi dodgynel, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I totally relate to feeling guilty. I look back and beat myself up for not being a better son to my Dad. But you're right, we can't go back. We can only move forward. Also, if I were in my Dad's position, I know that anything my daughters might be regretting would be the last thing on my mind. I would just love them with all my heart.