Stubborn Parents & Accepting Support

Hello Everyone, 

Firstly I hope all your journeys can be as gentle as possible with the experience of a family member with cancer. When life seems cruel and unforgiving try to see gratitude in other things. 

im 38 tomorrow, an only child (adult), i live with my fiancé and two cats, who at the moment really do not get along. We’re in full wedding mode planning for September later this year and we both work full time, I have quite a demanding job role. 

my dad (76) has had throat cancer, 12-15 years ago, which he was cleared from radio therapy and some non chemo meds. Then around 6 years ago he was diagnosed with bowel cancer which led to the removal of his bowel and permenant stoma, this spread to his lungs, for which he had multiple surgeries leaving him look like he’d been victim of a firing range. He had tablet form chemo through Covid but they stopped part way through to prevent the risk of chemo. Since the cancer he has really struggled with the stoma as he has a large hernia on it and the doctors don’t want to operate, I think due to lack of chance for success, but this really limits him and leaves him uncomfortable and in pain daily.

Just as he was going through this my mum (71) was diagnosed with breast cancer and she had radio therapy and then 18 rounds of chemo. She lost her hair and a lot of weight. She has also always suffered from quite bad osteoporosis, with the weight loss this has left her very vulnerable and frail. She is essentially made of chalk I always say, she had a really bad break to her rib & fib 13 months ago, then after recovering from that she broke her hip off an innocuous fall in the kitchen and needed surgery to pin that in September. 

My dad has not been under any cancer treatments for around 12-14 months but he has aged dramatically since his therapy and recently he has had two unidentified infections which have left him in hospital on IV antibiotics for a week at a time to send him home without investigation as to the cause. Both of these times my mum has had falls, on the first she broke her hip and this week I had to rush home and get the door lock drilled to break in to find her on the floor. 

My problem, they are of a generation where they saw carers for the very elderly. They have poor health generally having been smokers for 50+ years, my mum is not in great mood, not eating much now and her mobility and ability to move around the house, look after her self at all is minimal, and not safe when she is alone. They are stubborn, and don’t see the need for carers or support and the care that my dad tries to deliver is getting more and more limited due to his own health. 

I think, if my mum had some intense care support to get her mobile again and keep at her to become better prepared for this next journey as she has now been diagnosed with lung cancer, she will have much more longevity and quality of life. If my dad would accept help, not brush it off, not try to clean, do the garden and care for mum, he might not end up in hospital putting her at risk again.

we always got along with the cancer fear because my dad is incredibly stoic and this managed our fears and emotions, we are also not a massively emotional family, but that only goes so far. 

I’m just really struggling to get the message across without it being shut down because they think it’s coming from a critical place. 

im looking in to attendance allowance to help with the potential of private care costs. I don’t want to get a low budget care company because having had these provided when they have been discharged from hospital previously, they come for 12 minutes, make a bed and leave, not worth theirs or the local authorities time or money. 

any advice on available support is welcomed. 

Mark, from Trafford