Hi all,
im 27 and in august 2022 after 8 months of being together my partner was diagnosed with testicular cancer that spread to other parts of his body. After failed rounds of chemo missing Christmas and birthdays. He has live threatening blood stem cell treatment which had 20% chance of success. initially we thought it was successful but after 3 months, in November this year, we found out the blood markers have risen and his cancer is back. The problem is that it’s very resistant. I lived with my boyfriend and became his carer whilst working as a school counsellor and trying to keep things afloat. My mental health suffered and my partner was not seeking help or looking after himself even in remission. Due to his difficult family circumstances a lot fell to me.
in November we separated as our relationship became unhealthy and I’ve been living with my mum, but we are still in touch and seeing each other and this is when I’ve found out his cancer is back. He’s making positive changes currently - going to work, accessing therapy and wants to be back together. I’m finding everything too much at the moment - I cry most mornings and struggle at work. I love him but know in my heart our future would be short lived and I’m scared being so lonely and a carer again.
I want to leave my job as I’m finding it too emotionally draining with my own life and have considered visiting the Gp to get signed off with stress but I’m worried about the impact of this on my job and feel pressured to be in.
Just wondered if anyone else had been signed off and how this was? I guess just any words of comfort to know I’m not alone.
Hello SJA111
I am so sorry that both of you are going through all of this.
To care for someone going through cancer and cancer treatment is so tough and to be working as well. Anyone would struggle. It is understandable that it put your relationship under such strain and that it affected your mental health.
I hope that being back at home with Mum has helped, if only to give some breathing space while you work through what you want to do about everything. Have you spoken with your Mum about how you feel?
It must have been devastating news to hear that your ex partner's cancer has returned after going through all the treatment. However your prime focus at the moment needs to be on you and you can not support anyone else if you are feeling like this yourself. It does not mean that you do not love/care about your ex or that you want the best for him- but it is not only your responsibility. It is great that he is making positive steps himself this time and I wish him well with them. You can still offer support if that is what you want without being in a relationship/being a carer if you do not feel ready at this time. There will be support there for him whether you are involved or not- either from his family- although you mention a difficult relationship- or friends, colleagues and also via his CNS and team.
Have you got support for your own mental health? If not I would recommend in the first instance that you speak with your GP. With regards to work, I would think that initially a short time signed off would at least give you some breathing space and to consider your options. And if you needed further time off then deal with it after you have had some time to consider things. And if you need to take time out from work completely for a while it would be understandable in the circumstances. Maybe ask about whether some counselling may help?
My advice is to go with the flow at the moment. First step give your Doctor a call and arrange to have some time off. Second step talk with someone about how you are feeling- Mum, friends or if it helps give the Support Line a call. The number is at the bottom and they are lovely on there. Lastly- do not feel guilty for needing some time to yourself to consider things and to process everything. Your health and well being are important and you can not support someone else without addressing these first. Once you have addressed these and sorted out the practical things then you can look at how you want to best support your ex (if that is what you decide to do) and in what capacity you want to do this.
I hope this helps a bit but if there is anything else you need then please do ask.
Jane
