Trying to support my parents - living with cancer

Hi HMC 

Talking can be really important in any cancer journey and sometimes listening is really important too. I wonder if if might help your mum to look at our pages on talking about cancer - noting how it is helpful to everyone.

In terms of getting help of course we all need to be ready before we might accept it - but when they are if can be helpful to get a carers assessment and a needs assessment from their local authortiy.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi HMC,

I really feel for you - it sounds like your situation's really hard right now. I'm going through something similar. My mum has stage 4 melanoma, and my dad is not coping at all well. He keeps lashing out (at me, but even worse at my mum) over really small things that don't matter. I feel like my energy that could be focused on helping my mum keeps being diverted into trying to figure out what's going on in my dad's head and why he's reacting like this - which is frustrating, and exhausting.

I'm so sorry you feel like you don't have anyone supporting you. I think it can be very lonely caring for someone with cancer, even if you do have people around you. I haven't got any advice, I'm afraid, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Pip x

Hi,

I’m so so sorry to hear that you and your family are going through a difficult time. It really can’t be easy for either of you and unfortunately we express our emotions in different ways. 
i hope you can find some time for yourself - it’s so important that you keep doing things you enjoy. 
i wonder if there is anything that you enjoyed doing as a family before everything happened! Is there any kind of ‘normal’ activities you could do together and perhaps try and ignore the diagnosis a little bit? Doing things like going for a coffee or playing scrabble or anything like that! I find that trying to do things like this rather than just focus on the cancer sometimes helps with relationships. Also a bit of normality for your dad. 

best wishes to you. It’s not easy. Xx

Hi Ac96,

That's such good advice about doing normal things. I think a bit of normality here and there, and getting outside the house, is a wonderful thing during difficult times. I reckon a lot of my dad not coping is him missing our old pre-cancer lives as well as being scared.

Thanks for your kind words, and sending best wishes to you too!

Pip x

Hi Steve 
Thank you so much for your help thats really great to know. I will try suggesting that to my Mum but you are right, I think I'll need to wait until she is ready but its great to know what support there is :) 

Hi Pip 
Thank you so much, its so reassuring to hear its not just me so thank you for your message as it has really helped. I am so sorry to hear you are going through something similar to me. It is tough but we are in this together  x

Hi AC96 - Thank you so much for your message and thats great advice. You are right, sadly we have only been focusing on the cancer and maybe if we got back to doing some normal things that would help lots. Me and my Dad take the dogs for a walk which he likes and my Mum likes watching reality TV shows but I think I need to try and get her out of the house more for a break. Thank you so much xx 

Hi HMC 

I'm so sad to hear about your situation.  I'm in the same boat as I am an only child too and no-one else to help with what is happening - so I have Mum who often makes it about her and can't really get her head round what's going on with my Dad.  My Dad is trying to take everything in his stride but does get cross too at times.

Stay strong and know that there are others in the same situation.   I've found that leaving my mum to it has focused her mind and she has come round to some of the support and help she needs to get through this.  Often they are more scared of what is happening than the person who has cancer.  

Take care and make sure you do things for yourself as well.  They are OK if you leave them so you can take time out and do something and this will make you stronger xx