Hi
I don't really know what i'm looking for in writing this. Perhaps just to talk to others who might be going through the same thing?
I'm extremely close to my Mum, we speak every day and I see her at least once a week. In March this year she was diagnosed with ALL and it was a massive blow, but we all rallied round, I put my positive pants on and helped every way I possibly could. She started her first round of chemo in April and she's now at Stem Cell Transplant stage. She's an hour away from home at a hospital in a different city, I visited her on Sunday and she was just starting with the nausea that chemo brings. She's got really poorly quite quickly in terms of being poorly from the chemo (she needs to have three rounds before the transplant on Thursday) and is currently on the second I believe. When she gets this poorly she's not on her phone at all as she is just mainly sleeping as and when she can. I feel so selfish writing this, but these are the times that I struggle so much with. I hate not knowing how she is. My Dad has decided that my brother and I now aren't to see her while she gets through this next bit and I completely understand why but I hate it. I hate not being able to just pick up the phone and check how she is, just to hear it from her or go see her myself just so I can see she's still there and is okay (or as okay as she can be). Dad is very proud and wants to protect us just as much as he wants to look after Mum. I just feel so lost in these moments. Like I feel so useless, I spend most of the day crying with every thought possible going through my head. Usually in situations like this, I would ring my Mum :( she fixes everything, and I hate that I can't fix this for her and I don't know where to turn.
I'm trying to stay strong as my little boy (5) absolutely adores her and doesn't fully understand why he can't go see Nanny, i'm trying to keep busy at work and focus on everything other than what is happening, but everything else just seems so trivial. My partner is being amazing and so supportive, but I just feel so alone at the moment. I also feel incredibly guilty and selfish as she is going through absolute hell and I'm just sad because I can't see her for a few weeks. I don't know what i'm trying to say, I just feel a bit of a mess and feel guilty for doing so. I'm also the "go to" person for most of my Mum's friends to check how she is and keep everyone updated and I feel like i'm taking on their upset too, if that makes sense. I feel like i'm not really making sense.
Basically, I just want a hug from my Mum and her to be okay and home and i'm worried and scared and angry all at the same time.
Hu Mollymoo90 sorry to read about your mum and the challenges you are all having......... I don't normally post in this group as I am the one with the cancer but I noticed that your mum is on a Stem Cell Transplants (SCT) pathway........ I have had two Allo (donour) SCTs for my type of blood cancer so my wife and I know this journey vey well.
As well as this group you may also want to join and put up a post in our dedicated Stem Cell Transplant support group as you will meet others who have been through SCT or family members who have supported family on the unique SCT journey.
Hi Mollymoo90 - totally get the range of emotions as will just about everyone else on here. Understand the focus on work too - it can seem the one thing left in life we can control - huge numbers of people on here will have written something just like you and perhaps therefore it can help us feel less alone.
The wish to "fix" things is really very common - what does fix mean though and the idea of your dad trying to protect you - I recognize that from when my mum was ill.
For your boy it might help to look at talking to children about cancer - I know with our son if we had not included him he could easily imagine something much worse and blame himself - neither would be helpful. We were lucky too in we had a very supportive school so could make sure he got a consistent story from all the adults he trusts.
Cannot give you a mum hug, or a real hug but have a really big virtual hug
<<hugs>>
Steve
The post Allo SCT journey can be long and challenging so do remember our dedicated Stem Cell Transplant group as there are folks there who have the T shirt.
Hi Mollymoo90 this is my first ever message here, I came here looking for others who are caring and trying to cope with their mum having cancer. Your story made me cry, I am so sorry you are going through this. Not being able to see her must be so awful, mum had a bad spell a few weeks ago, I live a couple of hours away and go back every two weeks to help out for 4 days, I try to give dad a break. When she i
s offline that's when I really worry, it was awful and in the end I went home and got her admitted into hospital. I hope your mum is doing better, it's such a mind blowing journey to be on. I am close to my mum too and I still find myself in shock that this is where we are. She is doing a lot better at the moment but is very underweight which I constantly worry about. In fact every time I say shes doing well my brain goes into a mad panic that I have somehow jinxed her. Anyway sending lots of love and hugs thank you for sharing xx
