Hi everyone,
Im new to the group and so thankful to have been shown this forum. My best friend and I are both in our early 20s and we have been very much joined at the hip since meeting each other in our first year of uni. We are so close that I consider her family my own and vice versa. I love her like a sister.
We have mostly lived very similar lives, similar upbringings, and views on the world. Almost every year of our lives since we met have been almost identical with moving to new cities, finding love around the same time, and starting our careers. We have not been out of contact once since leaving uni two years ago as we continuously send voice notes back in forth at a rate of every couple of days on average.
My best friend was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma in February and though it was devastating the prognosis was relatively good. She was actually able to beat the cancer in a month with very intense treatment, however, the recovery was extremely grueling as well. Months later she still was receiving routine chemo and treatment and at times fell into very deep depression and understandably relied on her support system to help her shake su*cidal ideations. At some point, I had to list 20 reasons why she should continue living. Knowing she felt this way was very painful as she is so important to me but I of course could not blame her.
Meanwhile, I have been doing my best to show up for myself as well as her because I know that I cannot pour from a glass that is empty. Unfortunately, we are not even on the same continent, and between respecting her wishes to not be seen in her state while also being fearful of giving her an illness while her immune system is so low, I have been unable to see her while she fights this cancer. Remaining positive and sharing that positivity with her has taken a great deal of strength and courage and I know how much she appreciates it and that is why I will do it for as long as she needs.
However, I can't help but feel guilty. I am so grateful for my health but it is so hard to know she is going through such a hard time while I and our friends are having a go at a normal life. My guilt was so bad that I ultimately decided to go off of Facebook and Instagram because I felt so strange attempting to flaunt my life while I felt like she was going through one of her worst moments. I don't regret that decision ultimately but since finding out about her reoccurrence I have been wondering why her. I suppose that's how everyone on this forum feels about their loved ones. I spend so much of my time thinking of her, and I am fearful of crossing the line in which I begin to neglect myself in my deep despair and sympathy towards her.
So my open question is this: How do you deal with what feels like survivor's guilt when someone so close to you and who is also in the same stage of life gets cancer?
Hi sunmoonstars123 and welcome to our community though sorry to hear about your friend.
If we look at your feelings when someone has cancer we can see how guilt is quite a common feeling. I know when I have been feeling low seeing people having a really good time can be difficult, not perhaps as difficult though as people worrying about something that seems totally trivial.
It can really help to talk to someone - or even type on here. The phoneline here is great too as can other local groups where cancer is a word we can mention without feeling like we are trashing any kind of conversation.
My wife's cancer is incurable but we have been here for 10 years now, every day can be a new adventure,
Our group was talking once and the subject came of of "why me" and "it is not fair" - the group leader then said "who not you?" and then suggested what would fair look like - cancer is a *xxxXXX and ti really does not care who it gets next.
<<hugs>>
Steve
