Hi everyone/anyone,
I'm hoping for some advice or just wondering if what I am feeling is normal. My Mum was diagnosed at the start of the year, I feel very fortunate that it was caught quickly and they were able to operate but also knew that my siblings would struggle to deal with it so put on a brave face to keep them calm. Afterwards, she required almost constant care from my sister, Dad and I, which we of course did, but it was overwhelming seeing her so ill when she has always been very healthy and active.
When she had a check up later, they had said there were concerns and she had to have chemo and radiotherapy, it was terrifying and my anxiety increased tenfold. It felt like we were back at square one seeing her so unwell. She had very intense rounds - 5 days a week - to try and remove any remaining issues and I felt myself putting on a brave face again. I would only cry when I was in my room or driving alone, I felt emotionally drained the entire time but knew there was an end date and focussed on that. Her chemo and radio therapy ended in July and she began getting better, then she got the all clear and I felt like I could finally deal with everything I bottled up.
Fast forward to September and she has pain in her abdomen and is rushed into hospital, she has been in hospital for the last week and the doctors/consultants have no idea what's wrong. She seems to be in more pain than she has been at any other point this year and I feel like its impossible to put on a brave face anymore. I wasn't able to visit her the first couple days but have visited since and I have to stop myself bursting in to tears constantly. I feel like any emotions I bottled up this year are coming out and I cry all the time now. I had panic attacks a lot when I was younger but had got a handle on them until recently and now the smallest thing can set me off. I feel so guilty complaining saying I am struggling when Mum is the one who is ill but I just wish I could stop feeling so anxious and crying all the time.
Sorry for ranting, I just needed to get this off my chest and I don't really know what to do.
Hi Lewbee
First I would like to thank you for posting because there will be others out there in a really similar situation so please do not feel at all guilty.
When my wife was first diagnosed I would not infrequently burst into tears - speciality was in the shower since then I could always blame the shampoo if I had red eyes.
My wife's story is quite complex, since she was seriously ill even before the diagnosis of cancer but that is another story.
The first time I reached out for help was when I walked in to a Maggie's centre - and cried my eyes out to a complete stranger who sat and listened to me sob out my story and then helped me workout the next step. Letting go on here where we can take our time and consider what we write can be very helpful too - I often find myself using the delete key when I think that was not quite what I wanted to say.
What really helped me though was a living with less stress course. The mindfulness bit helped me realise that worrying about the future was preventing me appreciate what I had today - I was really good at planning how I would cope after the next disaster and then that disaster did not happen. Conscious breathing exercises are great for coping with the unexpected but also for relaxing and perhaps getting better sleep.
As for ranting - we do it all the time, what we are here for, we even have an extra special space The Room - vent away and do not forget to slam the door on the way out.
<<hugs>>
Steve
